“My child says they hate me”
A child slams a door and shouts "I hate you," or says it flatly at dinner, and the words land hard. Young children often say it at the height of anger, because it is the biggest thing they can think of to say. Older children may mean something closer to it, at least for a while. What matters most is the child's age, when the words come, and whether the anger passes or has settled into lasting distance.
What to check first
It helps to check what is going on in the child's life: a new sibling, a separation, trouble at school or with friends. A child who says it often, with no warmth in between, or who also seems withdrawn, frightened or very low, needs a closer look. If a child talks about wanting to die or to hurt themselves, that calls for help the same day.
What could be going on
Emotion coaching (Gottman): Fits if the words come at the height of anger, about a limit or a no, and are gone an hour later.
Displacement: Check whether something else is upsetting your child, at school, with friends or between the adults, and you are the safe target.
Psychological reactance: Could be that the words come when your child feels controlled, as a way of pushing back.
Personalisation: Check whether you take the words as a judgment of you as a parent, when your child may mean they are furious right now.
Rupture and repair: Fits if the words came in a fight, and what matters next is whether the two of you find your way back.
Adolescent individuation: Check whether your child is older and pulling away, and the words are part of setting themselves apart.
Telling them apart
Emotion coaching (Gottman): Young children often reach for the strongest words they know when angry. John Gottman's idea of emotion coaching treats moments like this as chances to name the feeling behind the words. The words may fade once the child feels the anger has been heard.
Displacement: The child may be upset about something else: school, friends, a split between the parents. The anger may land on the parent who feels safest. Things may calm once the other trouble eases or comes out.
Psychological reactance: The words may come when the child feels pushed: a rule, a no, being made to stop. Reaching for the hardest words may be a way of claiming some control. They may ease when the child has more say in small things.
Personalisation: The parent may hear the words as a judgment of their whole parenting, while the child may mean only that they are furious this minute. A parent who takes it to heart may react in ways that keep the fight going. The hurt may linger longer in the parent than the anger does in the child.
Rupture and repair: What happens after the words may matter more than the words. A parent who comes back later, without punishing the feeling, may find the child comes back too. Repeated repairs may teach the child that anger doesn't break the relationship.
Adolescent individuation: In older children and teens, the words may come with a real wish to be separate. The rejection may be loud for a while and soften as they grow. They may still want closeness at odd moments.
Questions to carry
- The last time my child said it, what had I just said or done?
- What did those words make me feel about myself?
Also said as
- my child screamed i hate you
- my 6 year old says she hates me
- my son says he wishes i wasn't his mom
- how to respond when your child says i hate you
- my kid says he hates me when i say no
- my daughter told me she wishes i was dead