Behind compared to what
Feeling behind usually has a measure behind it. Sometimes it’s a friend’s news, a post, a colleague’s promotion. Sometimes it’s a picture we carry of who we’d be by a certain age.
The feeling rarely names its measure. It just says not enough, and it can make an ordinary good day feel like losing ground.
Two kinds of should have
Shai Davidai and Thomas Gilovich ran six studies on the regrets people carry longest. They separated two kinds. Some regrets are about duties: things we believe we ought to have done. Others are about hopes: the person we wanted to become.
The regrets about hopes lasted longer. Part of the reason, they found, is that we act to repair regrets about duties fairly quickly, and do much less about regrets about hopes. The hopes stay general, like be a good parent or make something that matters, so it is hard to tell when we’ve done enough.
The studies relied on people recalling and rating their own regrets. They show which regrets tend to last, not that anyone’s particular hope is out of reach.
What comparing does
Erin Vogel and colleagues ran two studies on social media. In the first, people who used Facebook most had lower self-esteem, and the link ran through how often they saw people doing better than them. In the second, people who looked at a profile of someone doing well rated themselves lower afterwards than people who saw a profile of someone doing badly.
These were students, and the second study measured how people felt right afterwards, not for weeks. But the direction is consistent: a few minutes of someone else’s good news can lower how we rate ourselves.
Beyond the research
“So when I’m in comparison with another, I am not with my own more. If I’m with my own more, it cannot be compared. Then I’m on my own trajectory.”
Master Dhyan VimalLiving in Transformation
A smaller question
Put the two findings together. The feeling of being behind often comes from a comparison, and the hope underneath it is often vague. Both can be named.
Naming the measure
Who or what, this week, made me feel behind?
Naming the hope
Underneath not enough, what did I actually hope for?
Put the hope in words small enough that we’d know if we had moved toward it.
A question to carry
What did I actually hope to be doing by now, in my own words?
Questions
Is feeling behind in life normal?
Many people describe it, and it often comes from a comparison: with someone else, or with who we expected to be by a certain age. It becomes worth looking at when it colors most days, including good ones.
Why do other people's successes make me feel worse?
Seeing someone doing better than us can lower how we rate ourselves, at least right afterward. In one experiment, people who looked at a profile of someone doing well rated themselves lower afterwards than people who looked at a profile of someone doing badly.
What's the difference between an ideal-self regret and an ought-self regret?
An ought-self regret is about a duty we didn't meet. An ideal-self regret is about a hope we didn't pursue: the person we wanted to become. Research on lasting regrets finds the second kind stays with people longer, partly because we do less to repair it.
When is it worth talking to someone?
If feeling behind comes with persistent low mood, hopelessness or trouble getting through the day, a doctor or therapist is the right next conversation. This page is educational, not therapy.
Sources. Davidai, S., & Gilovich, T. (2018). The ideal road not taken: The self-discrepancies involved in people’s most enduring regrets. Emotion, 18(3), 439–452. Six studies.
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222. Two studies.
Master Dhyan Vimal, Living in Transformation, module two, lecture. This page is educational, not therapy.