“My brother came out and our parents won't speak to him”
When parents cut off a child who came out, the siblings are caught too. They may be asked to take sides, pass on messages, hide contact, or say nothing at holidays. In Pew's 2013 survey of LGBT adults in the US, 39 percent said a family member or close friend had rejected them at some point because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The Family Acceptance Project's research found family rejection in the teen years linked to much worse health later, and acceptance linked to better. What matters most is how the brother is doing, what the sibling wants their own relationship with him to be, and what it costs to stay in the middle.
What to check first
It helps to check how the brother is doing: whether he has somewhere safe to live, money and people around him, and how his mood is. It also helps to notice what the parents expect of the sibling, since keeping secrets or carrying messages can wear on a person over time.
What could be going on
Family rejection and acceptance (Ryan, Family Acceptance Project): Fits if your parents' silence is part of a wider rejection: no invitations, no mention of him, conditions for coming back.
Triangulation: Check whether you've become the go-between, carrying messages or managing everyone's feelings.
Family roles (golden child, scapegoat, lost child, mascot): Could be this if your brother is now cast as the family's problem, and you as the good one.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: Fits if your parents seem caught in shock or fear, and their reaction may still be moving.
Telling them apart
Family rejection and acceptance (Ryan, Family Acceptance Project): The parents' silence may come with other rejecting acts: no invitations, photos taken down, conditions for coming back. Ryan's research measured behaviors like these and linked them to worse health for the rejected child. The brother may feel it in every family event he hears about.
Triangulation: The sibling may have become the go-between: carrying news, softening messages, keeping the peace at dinner. Bowen described how a third person gets pulled into a strained pair. Over time the go-between may carry tension that isn't theirs.
Family roles (golden child, scapegoat, lost child, mascot): The brother may now be cast as the family's problem, and the sibling as the good child who stayed. The roles may feel fixed, and stepping out of them may draw anger. Some of the sibling's loyalty may be to the role.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: The parents may be caught in shock, fear or shame, and their position may still be moving. Many parents change over months or years, and some don't. The sibling may see sides of the parents' struggle the brother doesn't.
Questions to carry
- The last time my parents mentioned him, or didn't, what did I say?
- What kind of sibling do I want to be to him, whatever they decide?
Also said as
- my parents disowned my gay brother
- parents cut off my sister for being a lesbian
- stuck between my parents and my gay brother
- my parents won't accept my brother is gay
- how do i support my brother when my parents reject him
- my family stopped talking to my trans sibling