“I came out and my family acts like it never happened”
After coming out, some people find the family says little or nothing, then carries on as before. A partner isn't asked about, the subject changes, relatives are never told. The silence can be read many ways, from soft rejection to parents who don't know what to say yet. In Pew's 2013 survey of LGBT adults in the US, most who had told their mother said it made the relationship stronger (39 percent) or left it unchanged (46 percent), so a relationship that seems unchanged on the surface is common. What matters most is what the silence leaves out, and whether anyone in the family has said anything since.
What to check first
It helps to notice what goes unsaid: the identity itself, a partner, plans for the future, or all of these. It also helps to check whether the silence is the family's usual way with hard subjects, or something new. One relative who does ask may say a lot about where the rest stand.
What could be going on
Family rejection and acceptance (Ryan, Family Acceptance Project): Check whether the silence comes with quieter rejections: a partner left off invitations, a subject changed every time.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: Could be your parents still taking it in, unsure what to say, and changing slowly.
Denial: Fits if they seem unable to take in what you told them, as if not mentioning it keeps it from being true.
Invalidation: Fits if what you told them gets waved off as a phase or a detail that doesn't matter.
Telling them apart
Family rejection and acceptance (Ryan, Family Acceptance Project): The silence may sit alongside quieter rejecting acts: a partner left off invitations, photos kept out of view, relatives never told. Ryan's research counted behaviors like these as rejection, alongside the louder ones. The person may feel tolerated more than known.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: The parents may still be taking it in, privately worried, reading, or waiting to see if it changes. Many parents shift over months and years. The silence may hide more movement than it shows.
Denial: The family may act as though nothing was said, because taking it in would mean facing something they aren't ready for. Not mentioning it may work as a way of not knowing it. Small facts that confirm it may be brushed past.
Invalidation: When it does come up, it may be waved off: a phase, unimportant, nobody's business. The person's own account of who they are gets set aside. Over time the person may stop raising it.
Questions to carry
- The last time it could have come up and didn't, what did I say instead?
- What am I waiting to hear from them, in so many words?
Also said as
- told my parents i'm gay and they never mention it
- my family ignores that i came out
- came out months ago and nobody talks about it
- my mom changes the subject when i mention my girlfriend
- parents pretend i'm straight
- family won't acknowledge my partner