“I can't bring myself to clear out my husband's things”
After a death, the person's things stay where they were left: coats on the hook, a toothbrush, a half-read book. Some people want them gone in weeks and others leave them for years. Opening the wardrobe can bring the person back in smell and shape, which is part of why it is so hard. What matters most is whether keeping the things comforts or holds the loss at bay, and whether life is moving in the rest of the house.
What to check first
It helps to check whether anything forces the timing, such as a tenancy ending, a sale or relatives who want their share. There is no correct timetable for clearing belongings, and many people keep some things for good. It also helps to notice whether the hesitation is about all of it or about a few things in particular.
What could be going on
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): Fits if keeping his things brings comfort and you still get on with other parts of life.
Four tasks of mourning (Worden): Could be that clearing them would mean accepting he is gone for good. Check whether that part feels out of reach yet.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Fits if it has been a short time, and some days it feels possible while others it doesn't.
Experiential avoidance: Check whether you avoid the room, the photos and talk of him altogether.
Prolonged grief disorder (ICD-11, DSM-5-TR): Fits if, a year or more on, nothing can be moved and longing fills most days.
Guilt: Check whether giving something away feels like a betrayal of him.
Telling them apart
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): The things may be part of a living tie to him: wearing his jumper, keeping his mug in use, leaving his chair where it was. This often brings comfort, and the person may still get on with the rest of life. Many keep some objects for good while letting others go.
Four tasks of mourning (Worden): Sorting the belongings may stand for accepting that he is gone for good, and the person isn't ready for that yet. Worden describes grief as tasks worked through over time, in no fixed order. The wardrobe may wait until some of that work has happened.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Early on, the things may be too raw to touch, and that tends to ease with time. On some days it feels possible and on others unthinkable. The hesitation often loosens without any push.
Experiential avoidance: The person may avoid the room altogether, keep the door shut and plan the day around not going in. The avoidance may spread to photos, the grave and talk of him. Keeping away brings relief now and keeps the loss at full strength.
Prolonged grief disorder (ICD-11, DSM-5-TR): A year or more on, the house may be kept as a shrine and any change feels unbearable. The longing fills most days, with disbelief that he is gone. Life outside the house may have shrunk a great deal.
Guilt: Giving things away may feel like throwing him away. The person may fear being judged by family, or by him. The guilt can attach to each object, so even a pair of socks becomes hard to part with.
Questions to carry
- When I last opened his wardrobe or a drawer, what did I feel in the first few seconds?
- What do I fear would be gone if his things were gone?
Also said as
- can't sort through my mom's clothes
- dead husband's clothes still in the wardrobe
- when should you clear out a dead person's things
- kept her room the same since she died
- can't throw away anything of my dad's
- feel guilty getting rid of his stuff