“Everyone expects me to be over my mom's death by now”
Some months after a death, the cards stop, friends stop asking, and people at work treat the loss as finished. The bereaved person may still be in the thick of it and start hiding it to avoid the look on other faces. Comments like 'you're still upset about that' can sting more than silence. What matters most is whether the grief really is unusual for its timing, or whether other people's timetable is the one out of step.
What to check first
It helps to check how long it has been and how the grief is affecting daily life, apart from what anyone else says. There is no set timetable for grief, and the popular idea of moving through stages in order has little research behind it. It also helps to notice who in particular expects it to be over, since one loud voice can feel like everyone.
What could be going on
Invalidation: Fits if your grief feels ordinary to you and the hurt comes from people changing the subject or telling you to move on.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Could be ordinary grief that lasts longer than other people expect. Check whether you still get through most days.
Five stages of grief (Kübler-Ross): Check whether people around you expect stages that end in acceptance, a model with little support as a sequence.
Grief trajectories and resilience (Bonanno): Could be a slower path that still moves. Check whether the hardest days are a little further apart than before.
Prolonged grief disorder (ICD-11, DSM-5-TR): Fits if, a year or more on, longing fills most days and life has narrowed around the loss.
Secondary losses: Check whether friends drifting away has become a loss of its own on top of the first.
Telling them apart
Invalidation: The grief may be ordinary, and the trouble lies in how others respond: changing the subject, saying it was for the best, telling the person to move on. Feeling unseen can add a second hurt on top of the loss. The person may start to doubt their own reaction.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Grief often lasts much longer than other people expect, and it changes shape over time. The person may function at work and still miss their mother sharply every day. Comparing with a timetable can make normal grief feel like failure.
Five stages of grief (Kübler-Ross): Friends and family may be working from the idea that grief runs through set stages and ends in acceptance. That model was drawn from people facing their own death and has little support as a sequence. Expecting the stages can make a real grief look late or out of order.
Grief trajectories and resilience (Bonanno): Studies that follow bereaved people find several common paths, and some people are hit hard at first and recover over a year or two. Someone whose friends got over their own losses quickly may expect the same. The person's own path may be slower and still moving.
Prolonged grief disorder (ICD-11, DSM-5-TR): In some cases the others are noticing something real. A year or more on, daily life may still be built around the loss, with longing and disbelief as strong as in the first weeks. This pattern is less common and tends to narrow work, friendships and home life a great deal.
Secondary losses: The expectation may cost the person their support when it is most needed. Friends who drifted away, a lost role and an emptier house all add to the first loss. Part of what hurts may be those later losses.
Questions to carry
- The last time someone hinted I should be over it, what did I do with what I was feeling?
- Whose timetable am I measuring my grief against?
Also said as
- people think i should be over it
- friends stopped asking about my grief
- my boss thinks i should be over my dad dying
- how long are you supposed to grieve
- family says it's time to move on
- everyone's moved on except me