“I still talk to my mom out loud even though she's gone”
Talking to someone who has died is very common: a good morning to a photo, a running commentary while cooking, a word at the grave, a sense they are in the room. Some people also hear the voice or catch a glimpse of the person, especially in the first year. Many find it comforting and worry only that it means something is wrong. What matters most is whether the talking comforts and sits beside an accepted loss, or comes with a belief that the person isn't really gone.
What to check first
It helps to check whether the talking brings comfort or distress, and whether the person knows she has died. Sensing, hearing or seeing a dead loved one is common in bereavement and is usually no sign of illness. It also helps to notice any other changes, such as very little sleep, new medicines or unusual experiences unrelated to her.
What could be going on
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): Fits if talking to her brings comfort and you know she has gone.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Fits if the talking, or sensing her near, began after the death and brings tears as well as comfort.
Four tasks of mourning (Worden): Could be your way of keeping a lasting place for her. Check whether new things are still starting in your life.
Denial: Check whether the talking comes with a feeling that she isn't really dead.
Prolonged grief disorder (ICD-11, DSM-5-TR): Fits if, a year or more on, the talking fills much of the day and other people get crowded out.
Psychosis: Check whether voices are unkind or give orders, or come with beliefs others don't share. Those point beyond grief.
Telling them apart
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): The talking may be part of a living tie to the mother that sits beside knowing she is gone. It often brings comfort, and the person carries on with daily life. Many cultures and families keep such ties openly.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Talking to her, sensing her or hearing her voice may be an ordinary part of grief, often strongest in the first year. These moments may bring tears as well as comfort. Over time they may come less often or change form.
Four tasks of mourning (Worden): In Worden's later editions, one task of mourning is finding a lasting connection with the dead person while going on with life. Talking to her may be one way of doing that. Trouble tends to show only if the tie stops anything new from starting.
Denial: The talking may come with a sense that she isn't really dead: waiting for her call, setting her place, refusing to hear otherwise. The fact of the death is pushed away. This tends to bring distress more than comfort.
Prolonged grief disorder (ICD-11, DSM-5-TR): A year or more on, the conversations may fill much of the day and leave little room for other people. Longing and disbelief stay as strong as at the start. Life may be organized around keeping her near.
Psychosis: Rarely, hearing voices is part of a wider change: voices that are unkind or give commands, beliefs others don't share, confusion, little sleep. These go well beyond the dead person and usually show in other parts of life. A doctor can help tell the two apart.
Questions to carry
- The last time I spoke to her out loud, what did I tell her?
- How do I feel straight after talking to her, and is that changing?
Also said as
- is it normal to talk to someone who died
- i talk to my dead husband every night
- still say good morning to my wife's photo
- chatting to my dad at his grave
- hear my mom's voice in my head
- sometimes i feel him in the room