“I feel guilty when I have a good day since my wife died”
After a death, a good hour can come with a sting: laughing at something on television, enjoying a meal, forgetting the loss for an afternoon, then a rush of guilt. It can feel like disloyalty, as if happiness proves the love was smaller than it was. Some people start avoiding pleasant things to stay clear of the guilt. What matters most is what the good day seems to mean, and whether the guilt is about being happy, about being alive, or about something from before the death.
What to check first
It helps to check whether anyone has said, or hinted, that it is too soon to be enjoying life. Family and religious customs around mourning can sit behind the guilt. It also helps to notice whether the guilt follows every good moment or only certain ones, such as a first holiday or a new friendship.
What could be going on
Dual process model of coping with bereavement (Stroebe and Schut): Fits if your days swing between missing her and getting on with life, and the getting-on part feels like forgetting.
Survivor guilt: Check whether the guilt is about being alive and well while she isn't.
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): Could be a fear that being happy loosens your tie to her. Check whether you keep her close in other ways.
Bereavement guilt and regret (Li and Stroebe): Check whether a good day brings back something you did or didn't do before she died.
Guilt: Fits if you have felt guilty whenever you put yourself first, since long before this loss.
Should statements: Could be a rule about how long a husband or wife should mourn. Check where that rule came from.
Telling them apart
Dual process model of coping with bereavement (Stroebe and Schut): Turning away from the loss for a while is part of how grief is borne, and the person may read it as forgetting. The guilt tends to follow the swing back from ordinary life to the loss. Good days and hard days may alternate more than the person expects.
Survivor guilt: The guilt may be about being alive at all while she is gone, especially if she was young or the illness could have struck either of them. Good days feel unearned. The question of why her and not me may run underneath.
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): The worry may be that enjoying life loosens the tie to her. When the bond is kept in other ways, such as talking to her, keeping her habits or telling her stories, good days may feel less like leaving her behind. The guilt can ease once the tie feels safe.
Bereavement guilt and regret (Li and Stroebe): A good day may bring back something from before the death: a row, a missed sign, a choice about care. Happiness feels undeserved because of that one moment. The guilt tends to point at the past more than at the good day itself.
Guilt: The person may be prone to guilt in general, feeling they have done wrong whenever they put themselves first. Grief has given that habit a new and heavy target. Similar guilt may appear at work or with family.
Should statements: A rule may sit behind it: a husband or wife should be sad for a year, should not laugh at the wake, should not go out. Breaking the rule brings guilt whatever the feelings are. The rule may come from family, faith or the person's own idea of loyalty.
Questions to carry
- The last time I enjoyed something, what was the first thought that came after it?
- What do I believe a good day says about how much I loved her?
Also said as
- guilty for laughing after my mom died
- feel bad for being happy after a death
- is it wrong to enjoy myself while grieving
- guilt for moving on after my husband died
- had a nice day and then felt awful
- feel like i'm betraying her when i'm happy