People Pleasing
A self-reflection for the yes that comes out before you've decided.
Pick one recent time. Who asked, what did they ask for, and what did you say? What happened in you right before the yes?
Start with who asked, or tap the mic
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You leave with
- A look at the moment before the yes, seen from outside
- What you pictured a no would cost, set beside what you have seen happen
- Your own answer, named, and one question to notice next time
A yes can take one second and cost a whole weekend.
This reflection looks at one yes: the moment before it, what you pictured a no would bring, and what your own answer was.
About this reflection
People Pleasing is a free, 3-minute guided reflection for a time you said yes and meant no. It looks at the second before the yes and what you pictured a no would cost, and ends with your own answer and one question to notice next time.
What this draws on
Saying no is awkward, so a lot of us say yes. In three field studies, students and volunteers asking strangers for a favor guessed they would need nearly twice as many asks as they did. In a later study, the people asking thought about what a yes would cost the other person and missed how awkward a no feels. Flynn and Lake, 2008.
We picture a no landing harder than it does. In five experiments with about 2,000 adults recruited online, the people turning down an invitation expected more anger and hurt than the people who invited them reported. Four used imagined invitations, and one used real couples. Givi and Kirk, 2023.
Caring for others, and caring at your own cost. A review of 100 groups of people, 26,645 in all, found that caring about other people's needs went with better well-being and better relationships. Care that left out a person's own needs went with slightly better relationships and no gain in their own well-being. The review shows which things go together. It can't show what causes what, and almost all the groups came from North America and Europe. Le and colleagues, 2018.
A question by email each week
Each one is a hand-written question to carry. Free, no account needed.