Envy
A two-person pain at another's advantage (status, talent, money, love) that one wants and lacks, with a wish either to have it or for them to lose it.
What drives it
Tracks relative standing and pushes either to close the gap (benign) or to cut the other down (malicious); because it implies inferiority, people rarely admit it, even to themselves.
How it shows
Work
Faint praise and quick 'but' ('Great result, though the market did most of the work'); unusual interest in a peer's failures; subtle non-cooperation with a rising colleague; gossip about how someone got promoted. Benign envy looks like studying the rival and working harder.
Relationships
Cannot fully celebrate a friend's news; changes the subject to their own achievements; small digs at a sibling's success. Schadenfreude when the other stumbles.
Self
A sour drop in the stomach when someone you compare yourself with succeeds, then a hunt for reasons it was undeserved. Relief or pleasure when they fail is the clearest tell.
What tells it apart
Jealousy: Envy involves two people and something you lack; jealousy involves three and something you have and fear losing. The envious person watches the rival's assets; the jealous person watches the partner's attention.
Resentment: Resentment is about an injustice done to you; envy is about another's good fortune even when nobody wronged you. Envy hides behind resentment's language ('it's not fair') but the complaint is the other's success.
Social comparison: Comparison is the neutral act of measuring; envy is the painful feeling with hostility or longing attached. Many people compare upward and feel inspired, not sour.
A test
Watch the person's face and words in the minutes after a peer's success or setback: envy shows as discounting the success and a flicker of pleasure at the setback.
Questions to carry
- In the minutes after a peer’s success or setback, what shows in this person’s face and words?
- Whose good news did I take a moment too long to be glad about?
How strong the research is
moderate. Envy is well studied, but the split into benign (emulating) and malicious (levelling down) envy is debated as two emotions versus one emotion with different coping.
Where it comes from
Melanie Klein, 1957 (depth account); W. Gerrod Parrott and Richard Smith, 1993; Richard Smith and Sung Hee Kim, 2007; Niels van de Ven, Marcel Zeelenberg and Rik Pieters, 2009
On the family tree: Melanie Klein
Sources
- Baruch Spinoza, Ethics (1677)
- René Girard, Deceit, Desire and the Novel (Mensonge romantique et vérité romanesque) (1961)