“When I'm sick there's nobody to take over”
A parent on their own may get the kids to school with a fever, cook dinner between bouts of sickness and lie on the couch while a toddler climbs over them. Sick days show plainly what is missing the rest of the time: a second adult who can take over. Studies of single mothers in Canada (Cairney and colleagues, 2003) and Australia (Crosier, Butterworth and Rodgers, 2007) have linked their poorer mental health to low social support, along with stress and money hardship. What matters most is whether anyone could come in a pinch, and what stops the call being made.
What to check first
It helps to check how sick the parent is and for how long, since an illness that keeps coming back or won't lift is worth a doctor's look in its own right. It also helps to list who could come in an emergency, even someone never asked, and whether the school or a neighbor knows who to call.
What could be going on
Role strain and role overload (Goode): Fits if being sick changes nothing about the jobs: the kids still need feeding, and you are still the only one there.
Barriers to asking for help (help-seeking): Check whether there is someone who might come, and asking feels like too much, or like owing them.
Loneliness (Cacioppo, Holt-Lunstad): Fits if the hardest part is the feeling of having no one, more than the illness itself.
Single-parent strain (lone parenthood and mental health): Fits if sick days are where the whole setup shows: one adult, no backup and little slack in the money for time off work.
Telling them apart
Role strain and role overload (Goode): Every role keeps running through the illness: carer, cook, driver, earner. No part of the load can be put down for a day, and rest may wait until the kids are asleep.
Barriers to asking for help (help-seeking): A friend or relative might come if asked, and asking still feels like too much. Not wanting to be a burden, or to owe a favor that is hard to pay back, may keep the phone in the pocket.
Loneliness (Cacioppo, Holt-Lunstad): The fever may be bearable, and having no one to tell may be the worst of it. Loneliness is the gap between the connection a person wants and the connection they have, and illness can make it suddenly sharp.
Single-parent strain (lone parenthood and mental health): Sick days may be where the whole setup shows: one adult, no backup and sometimes no paid time off to spare. Research on single mothers links much of their extra strain to circumstances like these.
Questions to carry
- The last time I was ill, what did I still have to do that day?
- What goes through my mind when I picture myself too sick to get up?
Also said as
- single mom sick with kids and no help
- who looks after the kids when i'm ill
- sick and still have to parent
- no backup when i'm sick
- single parent with the flu and toddlers
- i can't afford to be ill
Close to this
Situations that share these patterns.
- “I'm a single dad and people treat me like the backup parent”
- “I'm a single mom and there's no one to help me”
- “I'm raising my kids alone and I'm so lonely”
- “I can't ask for help in case they think I can't cope”
- “I never get a break from my kids, not even an hour”
- “I work full time and still can't cover the bills on my own”