“My teenager says they're trans and I'm scared”
A parent told by a teenager that they're trans may feel love, fear, confusion and grief all at once. The fears go in different directions: that the teen will be bullied or hurt, that they're struggling in other ways, that they'll make a choice they later regret, that the parent will get it wrong either way. Referrals to England's children's gender service rose from 77 in 2009-10 to more than 2,700 in 2019-20, and the reasons are still argued over. The Cass Review in 2024, drawing on systematic reviews from the University of York, judged the evidence for puberty blockers and hormones in under-18s weak, while WPATH and the American Academy of Pediatrics disagreed with its approach and stand by guidance that supports such care for some adolescents, with the academy commissioning its own systematic review. What matters most is what the teen is actually saying and feeling, and how parent and teen keep talking while the questions stay open.
What to check first
It helps to check the teen's safety and mood first, including self-harm, low mood, bullying and isolation, since these call for help now whatever else is true. It also helps to hear what the teen is saying in their own words, for how long, and what they want right now. Medical steps involve assessment and time, so a parent rarely has to decide everything this week.
What could be going on
When a child comes out: how parents respond: Fits if fear, love and confusion come in waves, and you're unsure what to say from one day to the next.
Gender dysphoria (DSM-5-TR) and gender incongruence (ICD-11): Check how long your teen has described this and how strongly it shows in body, name and daily life.
Gender minority stress and resilience (Testa): Fits if much of your fear is for how others will treat your teen at school, online or in the world.
Catastrophising: Could be part of it if your mind jumps straight to the worst ending, whichever ending you fear most.
Telling them apart
When a child comes out: how parents respond: The parent may swing between fear, love, guilt and confusion from one day to the next. Parents' first reactions often shift over months as they learn more and watch how the teen is doing. Some parents describe grief, and many trans people object to that framing because the child is still here.
Gender dysphoria (DSM-5-TR) and gender incongruence (ICD-11): The teen may have described this for a long time, or it may be new to the parent. The Cass Review reported that many young people referred to England's service also had anxiety, depression or autism, and asked that these be looked at together. How assessment should lead to treatment is where researchers and professional bodies disagree.
Gender minority stress and resilience (Testa): Much of the parent's fear may be for the world outside: bullying, violence, hostile laws, relatives who won't accept. Testa and colleagues measured outside stresses like these, and counted pride and community as sources of resilience. In the Family Acceptance Project's research, family acceptance went with better health for LGBT young people.
Catastrophising: The parent's mind may jump to the worst ending and stay there: a lifetime of regret, or a child lost to suicide, depending on which fear is loudest. Both fears circulate widely, and either can crowd out what is happening with this teen today. The fear may ease a little when checked against what the teen is actually saying.
Questions to carry
- When my teen told me, what did I fear first, and what did I say?
- What do I know about my teen right now, apart from my fears?
Also said as
- my teen came out as trans
- my 14 year old says she's a boy
- my son says he's a girl and i'm terrified
- teenager wants to transition
- scared for my trans child
- my child says they're nonbinary
If your teen talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to live, please reach out today. In the US, call or text 988, and the Trevor Project talks with LGBTQ+ young people any time on 1-866-488-7386, or text START to 678-678. In the UK, Samaritans are on 116 123 and Switchboard LGBT+ is on 0800 0119 100. If it's happening now, call 911 or 999. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country.