“My kids fight all the time”
Siblings bicker over the front seat, the remote and whose turn it is, and some days the fighting barely stops. Conflict between brothers and sisters is very common, and it can still wear a parent down. Some fighting is ordinary, and some is a sign that one child is being hurt or that something in the family is off. What matters most is how one-sided the fights are, what they are about, and what part the adults play in them.
What to check first
It helps to check whether the fights go both ways or whether one child is nearly always the target. Repeated hitting, threats, or one child afraid of the other may be bullying between siblings and needs stopping, whatever its cause. A new baby, a move or tension between the parents can also raise the fighting for a while.
What could be going on
Sibling rivalry and conflict: Fits if the fights are about toys, space, turns and attention, and they also play together at other times.
Temperament: Check whether one child is intense or easily set off and the other pushes buttons, so the mix keeps sparking.
Parental favoritism (differential treatment): Could be that one child feels treated less well, whether or not you mean it, and takes it out on the other.
The coercive cycle (Patterson): Fits if the fights get louder until you step in, and your stepping in has become the reward.
Family roles (golden child, scapegoat, lost child, mascot): Check whether one child has become the one always blamed, and the other the one always believed.
Co-parenting conflict (Feinberg): Could be that tension between the adults at home is spilling over, and the kids fight more when you two do.
Telling them apart
Sibling rivalry and conflict: Brothers and sisters compete for attention, space and fairness, and fights are a normal part of that. They may also play, share jokes and stick up for each other. The fighting may rise and fall with ages, stages and tiredness.
Temperament: Children are born with different settings: one quick to flare, one slow to warm up, one who loves to tease. Some mixes spark more than others. The fights may follow the same pattern of who starts and who reacts.
Parental favoritism (differential treatment): One child may feel treated less well, in time, attention or rules, even if the parent sees it differently. Research on differential treatment suggests that whether children see it as fair matters, and that treatment seen as unfair goes with more conflict between siblings. The resentment may land on the brother or sister.
The coercive cycle (Patterson): If fights end only when the parent steps in, the children may learn that a louder fight brings an adult. The parent's attention, even angry attention, may be part of what keeps it going. The fights may happen more when the parent is busy or on the phone.
Family roles (golden child, scapegoat, lost child, mascot): One child may have become the one who is always blamed and the other the one who is always believed. Each fight may confirm the roles. The children may live up to them more over time.
Co-parenting conflict (Feinberg): Children may fight more when the adults at home are tense or arguing, and their fights may echo the way the adults fight. Studies have linked conflict between parents with more conflict between siblings. The fighting may ease and flare along with the adults' own.
Questions to carry
- The last time they fought, what was it over and where was I?
- What part do I end up playing when they fight?
Also said as
- my children fight constantly
- sibling fighting every day
- my kids can't stand each other
- how to stop siblings fighting
- brother and sister always arguing
- my kids hit each other