“I think I love one of my kids more”
Many parents feel closer to one child than another, at least for a time, and few say it aloud. It may be the child who is easier, who shares a sense of humor, or who reminds the parent of themselves. Feeling more drawn to one child is different from treating them better, though one can slide into the other. What matters most is what draws the parent to one child, what pushes them away from the other, and whether it shows in how the children are treated.
What to check first
It helps to check whether the feeling has been there from the start or came with a phase, such as a hard toddler stage, a rough teen year or a child who is unwell. Closeness often shifts as children grow. It also helps to notice whether the other children have said or shown that they feel it.
What could be going on
Parental favoritism (differential treatment): Fits if the feeling shows in what you do: more time, more patience, easier forgiveness for one child.
Temperament: Check whether one child is easier for someone like you, and the other's nature clashes with yours.
Projection: Could be that one child reminds you of a part of yourself you dislike, or of someone who hurt you.
Family roles (golden child, scapegoat, lost child, mascot): Check whether one child has become the easy one and the other the problem, and whether those roles keep repeating.
Ambivalence: Fits if love for the harder child sits alongside irritation, and both feel real.
Parental guilt (‘mom guilt’): Fits if the guilt about feeling this way takes up more room than the feeling itself.
Telling them apart
Parental favoritism (differential treatment): The feeling may show in daily choices: who gets the benefit of the doubt, whose story gets heard first, whose mess gets forgiven. Children notice differences in treatment, and research links being treated less well with more sadness and anger in the child, whatever the parent intended.
Temperament: A calm parent may find a loud, intense child hard going, and a quick parent may tire of a slow one. The closeness may come from fit more than from worth. Researchers call this the goodness of fit between a child's temperament and a parent's.
Projection: One child may carry something the parent dislikes in themselves: shyness, a temper, a stubborn streak. Or they may look or sound like an ex, a sibling or a parent from the past. Irritation with that child may flare faster than the moment calls for.
Family roles (golden child, scapegoat, lost child, mascot): One child may have become the easy one and the other the difficult one, and the family may treat them that way by habit. The roles may stick even as the children change. The difficult child may start to live up to the name.
Ambivalence: The parent may love the harder child and still find them hard to like on many days. Both feelings may be true at once. Forcing warmth may make the irritation louder.
Parental guilt (‘mom guilt’): The guilt about having a favorite may take up more space than the feeling itself. It may lead to over-correcting, or to avoiding the child it is about. The guilt may ease once the feeling can be looked at plainly.
Questions to carry
- When did I last feel the difference between my kids, and what were they each doing?
- Which of my children is most like me, and how do I feel about that part of me?
Also said as
- i have a favorite child
- i prefer one of my children
- is it normal to like one child more
- i feel closer to my daughter than my son
- guilty for loving one kid more
- i don't connect with my second child