“My ex died and I don't know if I'm allowed to grieve”
When an ex dies, the grief can come with no obvious place to put it. The person may not be welcome at the funeral, may have a new partner who finds it awkward, or may have parted on bad terms. The grief may be for the ex, for the years together, or for the chance to make peace that is now gone. What matters most is what is being mourned, and whether the feeling is being hidden because others don't think it counts.
What to check first
It helps to check what practical ties remain, such as shared children, money or a house, since those bring their own decisions and contact with the ex's family. It also helps to notice whether anyone has said outright that the grief is out of place, or whether that judgment comes from inside.
What could be going on
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Fits if the grief is real and strong and others don't seem to count it.
Ambivalence: Check whether love from the early years sits beside anger or relief from the breakup.
Bereavement guilt and regret (Li and Stroebe): Fits if your mind goes back to things left unsaid, like an apology or a thank you.
Invalidation: Check whether a new partner, friends or the ex's family treat the grief as odd.
Attachment theory: Could be an old bond that outlasted the breakup. Check whether the strength of feeling surprises you.
Shame: Check whether you feel like a fraud for grieving, or disloyal to your current partner.
Telling them apart
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): The grief may be real and strong and still go unrecognized, since others see the relationship as over. With no clear role at the funeral and few condolences, the person grieves on the edge. This is often called disenfranchised grief.
Ambivalence: The feelings may be mixed: love from the early years, anger from the breakup, relief, sadness. The death fixes the relationship where it was. Grieving someone loved and resented at once can be confusing.
Bereavement guilt and regret (Li and Stroebe): The person may keep going back to things left unsaid: an apology, a thank you, a row that never got settled. The chance to make peace has gone. Regret may weigh as much as the loss.
Invalidation: A new partner, friends or the ex's family may treat the grief as odd or disloyal. The person may hide it to keep the peace. Grief that has to be hidden can last longer and feel lonelier.
Attachment theory: A long relationship can leave an attachment that lasts after the breakup, even years later. The death may touch that old bond, along with memories of being young together. The strength of feeling may surprise the person.
Shame: The person may feel the grief makes them a fraud, or a betrayer of their current partner. The shame can push the feeling underground. It may come out in odd places instead, like tears at a song or irritation at home.
Questions to carry
- When I heard the news, what was the first memory that came to me?
- What part of this grief do I think I'm not entitled to, and who told me that?
Also said as
- grieving an ex who died
- my ex boyfriend passed away and i'm devastated
- is it weird to grieve an ex
- not invited to my ex's funeral
- my ex husband died and his family ignore me
- upset about my ex dying but i'm married now