“My child came out as trans and I feel like I'm grieving”
Some parents describe something like grief after a child comes out as trans: for a name, for photos, for a wedding or a future they'd pictured, often with guilt for feeling it. A 2015 article by Wahlig used Pauline Boss's idea of ambiguous loss to describe what these parents go through. Many trans people object to the language of mourning because the child is still here, a view set out in a 2019 New York Times essay titled 'Celebrate Your Kid's Transition. Don't Grieve It.' The sociologist Mel Constantine Miseo, who studied a parents' support group, argued in 2022 that the feelings are real and worth understanding. What matters most is what the parent misses most, and what the child hears of it.
What to check first
It helps to notice what the sadness attaches to: a name, old photos, pronouns, a pictured future, or fear for the child's safety. Some of these are losses of a picture, and some are worries about the present. It also helps to check what the child is hearing, since a parent's grief, said to the child, may land as rejection.
What could be going on
Ambiguous loss (Boss): Fits if you're grieving while your child is still here, and the loss has no clear shape.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: Check whether the grief comes with fear, love and confusion, shifting as you learn more.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Fits if it comes in waves of sadness for names, photos and pictured moments.
Ambivalence: Could be this if love for your child and sadness about the change sit side by side, and the sadness feels forbidden.
Telling them apart
Ambiguous loss (Boss): The loss may have no clear shape: the child is here, and something the parent held is gone. Boss described ambiguous loss as grief with no ending and no ritual. Wahlig applied it to parents of trans children.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: The grief may be one part of a wider mix: fear for the child's safety, worry about mistakes, confusion, love. Many parents' feelings shift a lot over months and years. Parents and their trans children may describe the same events very differently.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Sadness may come in waves at particular things: a birthday photo, the old name on a form, a relative's question. Between waves the parent may feel fine and close to the child. The waves may grow further apart with time.
Ambivalence: Love for the child and sadness about the change may sit side by side, and the parent may feel the sadness isn't allowed. Mixed feelings toward one's own child are common and seldom said. Pushing the sadness away may make it louder.
Questions to carry
- When did the sadness last come, and what was I looking at or hearing?
- What do I miss most, and what of my child is still right here?
Also said as
- grieving my trans child
- i miss my daughter now that he's my son
- is it normal to grieve when your child transitions
- mourning the son i thought i had
- my child is transitioning and i feel loss
- i can't stop crying since my child came out as trans