“My son just told me he's gay and I don't know what I feel”
When a child comes out, a parent may feel love, shock, worry for the child's safety, sadness for a future they'd pictured, and guilt about any of it, often all in the first hour. The first words out of a parent's mouth may not be the ones they would choose later. In Pew's 2013 survey of LGBT adults, most who had told their mother said it made the relationship stronger (39 percent) or didn't change it (46 percent). Ryan and colleagues found in 2010 that young adults whose families showed more acceptance in their teens reported better self-esteem, social support and health. What matters most is what the parent feels underneath the first reaction, and what the child hears in the weeks after.
What to check first
It helps to notice the feelings separately: fear for his safety, sadness about a pictured future, discomfort from faith or upbringing, worry about what others will think. Each has a different source. It also helps to check what he heard in that first conversation, since he may be waiting to know where he stands.
What could be going on
When a child comes out: how parents respond: Fits if you feel shock, worry and love all at once, and your feelings keep shifting.
Ambivalence: Check whether two strong feelings pull against each other, like pride in his honesty and sadness for a future you'd pictured.
Ambiguous loss (Boss): Could be grief for the life you imagined for him, while he's right here.
Conflict between faith and sexual orientation or gender identity: Fits if your faith or community says one thing and your love for him says another.
Telling them apart
When a child comes out: how parents respond: The parent may feel shock, worry, love and confusion in waves that shift by the day. Many parents move a long way over months and years. Fear for the child's safety is common among them.
Ambivalence: Two feelings may pull hard against each other: pride that he trusted the parent, and sadness or unease about what it means. Both may be real. Pushing one away may make it louder.
Ambiguous loss (Boss): The parent may grieve a picture: a wedding, grandchildren, a life that looked a certain way. The son is still here, and the picture is what changed. Some of what seems lost may still happen in another form.
Conflict between faith and sexual orientation or gender identity: Faith or community may say one thing and love another. The parent may fear for the child's soul, or for their own standing at church. Some parents find their faith and their child slowly coming to terms, and some stay torn.
Questions to carry
- When he told me, what was the first thing I felt, before I said anything?
- What did I picture for his life, and where did that picture come from?
Also said as
- my son came out to me
- my child just told me he's gay
- my daughter came out as a lesbian
- how should i react to my son being gay
- i love my son but i'm struggling with him being gay
- found out my teenager is gay