“I've spent my life trying to be perfect so nobody would look closer”
Some gay and bisexual people, men especially, describe a childhood spent being the best: top grades, the right look, never a reason to be questioned. The achievements may have been real and also a way to keep attention off something they couldn't yet say. In a 2013 study, Pachankis and Hatzenbuehler found that 136 sexual minority young men based their self-worth more on academics, appearance and competition than 56 heterosexual young men did, and that longer concealment early in life predicted more of it. It is one line of research with modest samples, and the pattern may look different in other groups. What matters most is whether the striving still runs the person's life once there's nothing left to hide.
What to check first
It helps to look at when the striving began and what it protected against. Some of it may be plain ambition. If the drive comes with exhaustion, panic at small mistakes or no rest at all, that weight deserves attention in its own right.
What could be going on
The ‘best little boy in the world’ hypothesis (Pachankis and Hatzenbuehler): Fits if the striving started around the time you first knew, and grades, looks or winning became a shield.
Contingent self-worth: Check whether your sense of being okay rises and falls with how well you're doing.
Perfectionism: Fits if the standards are relentless in every area, and falling short brings harsh self-criticism.
False self (Winnicott): Could be this if the polished version feels like a performance and you're unsure who's underneath.
Telling them apart
The ‘best little boy in the world’ hypothesis (Pachankis and Hatzenbuehler): The drive may have started near the time the person first knew they were different, aimed at being beyond reproach. Success worked as cover. It may outlast the reason for it, even after coming out.
Contingent self-worth: The person's sense of being okay may rise with a win and drop with a mistake, day by day. Crocker's research links self-worth tied to success with bigger swings in self-esteem. Praise may feel like relief more than pleasure.
Perfectionism: The standards may be relentless everywhere: work, body, home, friendships. Falling short brings harsh inner criticism and a sense of failure out of all proportion. It may run in the family or long predate any secret.
False self (Winnicott): The polished self may feel like a role played for others, with little sense of what the person wants underneath. Winnicott described this compliant self that shields a truer one. Moments alone may feel empty or flat.
Questions to carry
- The last time I fell short of my own standard, what did I fear people would see?
- What would I let myself do if I weren't trying to be beyond question?
Also said as
- overachiever because i'm gay
- best little boy in the world
- i had to be perfect so no one would suspect
- gay and a perfectionist
- i hid behind good grades
- my worth comes from achievements