“I haven't cried once since my dad died”
Some people do not cry after a parent dies, at the funeral or in the months after. They may feel blank, busy, or calmer than they expected, and then worry that something is wrong with them or that they did not love enough. Others around them may be weeping, which makes the dry eyes feel louder. What matters most is how the grief is coming out instead, what the relationship was like, and whether feeling of every kind has gone flat.
What to check first
It helps to check how long it has been. In the first days and weeks, shock and the work of arranging a funeral can hold tears off for many people. Some medicines, including some antidepressants, can also blunt crying.
What could be going on
Intuitive and instrumental grieving (Martin and Doka): Fits if your grief comes out through doing and thinking: sorting his affairs, fixing things, going over his life.
Grief trajectories and resilience (Bonanno): Could be the common steady pattern. Check whether you feel sad at times and still get through most days.
Emotional numbing: Check whether every feeling has gone flat since he died, joy as well as sadness.
Ambivalence: Fits if the relationship was mixed, with love sitting beside anger, distance or hurt.
Emotional inhibition schema: Check whether crying was discouraged growing up, and whether you hold back strong feeling in general.
Alexithymia: Could be a long-standing difficulty naming feelings. Check whether grief comes out as tiredness or aches instead.
Telling them apart
Intuitive and instrumental grieving (Martin and Doka): The grief may come out through doing: sorting the estate, fixing the house, going over his life in thought or in talk. Feeling is there, often steadier and less tearful. This style is common and tends to get mistaken for not caring.
Grief trajectories and resilience (Bonanno): The person may feel sad at times and keep functioning well, with no long collapse. Studies that follow bereaved people over time find this steady pattern is the most common one. It can still come with guilt about not looking upset enough.
Emotional numbing: Feeling may have gone flat across the board, with joy and love dulled along with sadness. The person may go through the funeral and the weeks after as if behind glass. The flatness tends to date from the death or the news.
Ambivalence: The relationship with the father may have been mixed: love alongside anger, distance or hurt. Grief for a hard parent can be tangled with relief, or with grief for the father he never was. Tears may wait for a part of the feeling that isn't ready yet.
Emotional inhibition schema: The person may have learned early that crying was weak or unwelcome. Strong feeling is kept in check across most of life, and has been for years. Tears may come, if at all, only alone or at something small and unrelated.
Alexithymia: The person may find it hard to name what they feel at all, and grief may come out as tiredness, headaches or a tight stomach. The difficulty with naming feelings goes back well before the death. Asked how they are, they may honestly not know.
Questions to carry
- At the moment I most expected to cry, what did I feel instead, even if it was small?
- What did I learn about crying in my family, and from him?
Also said as
- why can't i cry since my dad died
- dad passed and i feel nothing
- i didn't cry at the funeral
- is something wrong with me i haven't cried
- no tears after my father's death
- feel guilty for not crying about my dad