“My toddler's tantrums make me lose it”
A toddler throws herself on the floor in the grocery store, screams in the car seat or hits at bedtime, and the parent feels something snap. Tantrums are a normal part of being one to four years old, and they can still push a tired parent past their limit. Many parents end up shouting, grabbing or walking out, then feel awful. What matters most is how often and how long the tantrums run for the child's age, what happens in the parent's body during them, and whether the parent's reserves were already low.
What to check first
It helps to check the child's age, sleep and hunger, since most tantrums cluster around tiredness and late afternoon. Tantrums that are very frequent or very long, that come with self-injury, or that come with a loss of words the child once had, are worth raising with a pediatrician. If losing it has meant hitting or shaking, that calls for talking to someone soon.
What could be going on
Tantrums in young children: Fits if your child is between about one and four and the tantrums come with tiredness, hunger or being told no.
Emotional flooding: Check whether the screaming sets your own body off within seconds, before you have decided anything.
The coercive cycle (Patterson): Could be that the tantrums get bigger because they sometimes work, and your anger rises along with them.
Co-regulation: Fits if your child calms faster when you stay steady, and the hard part is staying steady yourself.
Triggers: Check whether the screaming or hitting reminds you of how anger was handled in your own childhood.
Parental burnout (Mikolajczak and Roskam): Fits if your patience has been running low for months and the tantrums are the last straw on top of everything else.
Telling them apart
Tantrums in young children: Tantrums peak in the toddler years, when children want far more than they can say or do. Most last a few minutes and come with tiredness, hunger or a limit. Very long, very frequent or self-injuring tantrums past age four or five are less typical.
Emotional flooding: The scream may hit the parent's nervous system like an alarm: heart racing, jaw tight, the urge to make it stop now. Words or grabbing may come before any decision. Afterward the parent may wonder where that came from.
The coercive cycle (Patterson): If a tantrum sometimes ends with the candy or the screen, the child learns that a bigger tantrum may work. The parent's anger may rise to match it, and both escalate. Gerald Patterson's research traced how small exchanges like these, repeated daily, train both sides.
Co-regulation: Young children borrow calm from the adults around them before they can calm themselves. When the parent stays steady, the storm may pass faster. The hard part may be that the parent has no calm left to lend.
Triggers: The screaming, the hitting or the sense of being defied may echo the parent's own childhood, where anger may have been dangerous or forbidden. The reaction may feel bigger than the moment. Afterward the parent may hear an old voice in what they said.
Parental burnout (Mikolajczak and Roskam): The tantrum may be the last straw on a pile of broken nights and endless tasks. On a rested day the same scream might pass without much trouble. The parent may notice the short fuse has been growing for months.
Questions to carry
- In the last tantrum, when did I feel myself go, and what did I hear or see right then?
- What was anger like in the house I grew up in?
Also said as
- toddler tantrums make me so angry
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- how to stay calm during tantrums
- my 3 year old's meltdowns are driving me crazy
- i screamed back at my toddler
- toddler hits and screams and i snap
If losing it has turned into hitting, shaking or grabbing hard, or comes close to it, please talk to someone soon. Shaking a young child can cause serious brain injury. In the US, Childhelp is on 1-800-422-4453, any time. In the UK, the NSPCC helpline, 0808 800 5000, is there for anyone worried about a child. If a child is in danger now, call 911 or 999. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country.