Emotional flooding
A state of high physiological arousal during conflict in which a person can no longer listen, think flexibly or take in what is said.
What drives it
The body is in threat mode; continuing to talk only adds fuel. Recognising it explains why some arguments become pointless after a certain moment.
How it shows
Work
In a heated review the person goes red or pale, speaks faster or not at all, repeats the same point, can't hear the counter-argument, and later remembers the meeting as an attack. Often follows with an abrupt 'I need to go'.
Relationships
Mid-fight, a partner suddenly stonewalls, leaves the room, or shouts the same sentence. Gottman found men more often flooded and withdrew in his samples.
Self
Pounding heart, heat, tunnel vision, feeling unable to think; a sense that the other person is pure enemy. Words stop landing.
What tells it apart
Stonewalling: Stonewalling is the behaviour (going silent, turning away); flooding is often the physiological state underneath it. A flooded person shows signs of high arousal; a strategic stonewaller looks relaxed.
Amygdala hijack: Amygdala hijack is a popular label for any outburst; flooding is a specific, measured state in conflict that builds over the argument and lasts until the body settles.
Panic: Flooding is triggered by an ongoing interpersonal conflict and eases when the conflict pauses; panic can come out of nowhere and centres on fear of dying or losing control.
A test
Call a timed break of at least twenty minutes doing something unrelated and resume; if the person can then listen and reason, they were flooded, not simply stubborn.
Questions to carry
- After a twenty-minute break on something unrelated, how well can the person listen again?
- At what point in an argument do I stop hearing words, and what does my body do then?
How strong the research is
moderate. Rooted in Gottman's physiological research on couples, which is well cited but largely from one lab; the remedy (a real break before resuming) is clinically well supported.
Where it comes from
John Gottman, 1993 and 1994
On the family tree: John Gottman
Sources
- John M. Gottman, What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes (1994)