“My kids' grandpa died and I don't know how to help them”
When a grandparent dies, children often grieve in short bursts: crying one minute, asking to play the next, then asking the same question again days later. Young children may not grasp that death is permanent, while older ones may go silent or angry. The parent is often grieving at the same time. What matters most is the child's age and understanding, what the child sees in the adults around them, and whether new behaviors are fading or growing.
What to check first
It helps to check what the children have been told and in which words, since phrases like 'gone to sleep' or 'lost' can confuse young children. It also helps to notice any other changes at the same time, such as a house move, a parent's low mood or a new school. Physical complaints that last are worth showing to a doctor.
What could be going on
How children grieve at different ages: Fits if the children grieve in short bursts, play in between, and ask the same questions again later.
Regression: Check whether a child has slipped back to younger behavior, like bed-wetting or clinginess, since the death.
Co-regulation: Could be that the children are taking their cue from you. Check what they see of your own grief.
Attachment theory: Fits if a child now fears you might die too, and clings or struggles with goodbyes.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Check whether your own grief is leaving little room for theirs, and how that feels to you.
Somatisation: Fits if grief comes out as tummy aches, headaches or not wanting to go to school.
Telling them apart
How children grieve at different ages: How grief shows depends on age. Young children may keep asking when grandpa is coming back, older children may want facts about what happened, and teenagers may turn to friends. Children tend to grieve in short bursts and come back to the loss as they grow.
Regression: A child may slip back to younger behavior for a while: bed-wetting, baby talk, wanting to sleep in the parent's bed, clinginess at school drop-off. This is a common response to stress and usually fades as things settle. It tends to be strongest in the first weeks.
Co-regulation: Children read the adults around them. If the parent is hiding grief completely or is overwhelmed by it, the child may copy either. Seeing an adult sad and still coping tends to steady children.
Attachment theory: The death may raise a new fear that the parent could die too. The child may cling, check where the parent is, or struggle with bedtime and goodbyes. The worry is often about who will look after them.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): The parent may be grieving too, perhaps for their own father, and that grief may leave little room for the children's. Tiredness, irritability and tears may make the parent feel they are failing the children. The two griefs run side by side.
Somatisation: Grief in children often comes out through the body: tummy aches, headaches, not wanting to go to school. The complaints are real, and may cluster on school days or before visits to where grandpa lived. They tend to ease as the child finds words for the loss.
Questions to carry
- The last time one of the children asked about grandpa, what did I say, and what did I leave out?
- What did I learn about death as a child, and what do I want them to learn?
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