“I'm out to my friends but not at work”
Many LGBTQ+ people are open with friends and family and careful at work. They may say 'my partner' to avoid a pronoun, leave weekend stories vague, or keep a photo off the desk. A 2018 Human Rights Campaign survey found 46 percent of LGBTQ workers in the US were not out at work. In a study of 161 lesbian, gay and bisexual adults by Legate and colleagues, being out went with better well-being only in settings that felt accepting. What matters most is what the hiding costs, and what the person knows about how safe it would be to stop.
What to check first
It helps to check what the risk at work actually rests on: the law where the person lives, the employer's policies, how others have been treated, and the person's own place in the company. Some of the caution may be well founded. The cost of hiding, in effort and distance from colleagues, belongs in the picture too.
What could be going on
Coming out (telling others one’s sexual orientation): Fits if you're out where it feels safe and closed where it doesn't, and work feels like the second kind.
Concealment stress (hiding a sexual orientation): Check how much effort the hiding takes: editing weekend stories, avoiding photos, keeping lunch talk general.
Covering (Yoshino, after Goffman): Could be this if some people at work know, and you still tone it down to fit in.
Gay-related rejection sensitivity (Pachankis): Fits if you expect colleagues to react badly without anything they've said or done.
Telling them apart
Coming out (telling others one’s sexual orientation): The person may be out in some places and closeted in others, choosing by how each feels. In Legate's study, people were least out in settings they saw as controlling, and being out in some settings and not others had no effect on mental health by itself. The choice may track real differences between places.
Concealment stress (hiding a sexual orientation): The hiding may take steady work: rehearsing answers, changing pronouns, watching who's nearby on a call. That attention may leave the person tired or distant at work. Colleagues may sense a reserve without knowing why.
Covering (Yoshino, after Goffman): Some colleagues may know, and the person still keeps it small: no partner at work dinners, careful about clothes or voice. Kenji Yoshino called this covering, toning down an identity others already know about. It may feel like a different strain from hiding.
Gay-related rejection sensitivity (Pachankis): The person may expect a bad reaction from coworkers with little sign of one, and scan meetings for hints. A joke or a raised eyebrow may confirm the fear quickly. The expectation may have been learned in earlier places that really were hostile.
Questions to carry
- On Monday, when someone asked about my weekend, what did I leave out?
- What do I think I'd lose at work if people knew?
Also said as
- not out at work
- should i come out at work
- hiding my partner from coworkers
- i say 'my partner' at work so nobody knows
- scared to come out to my boss
- gay and closeted at the office