“I'm gay and I still can't tell my parents”
Many gay people are out to friends, colleagues or siblings long before they tell a parent, and some never do. In a 2013 Pew Research Center survey of 1,197 LGBT adults in the US, 56 percent had told their mother and 39 percent their father, and most of those who had told a parent said it was difficult. The same survey found 20 was the median age at which people first told a family member or close friend. What matters most is what the person expects to happen, what that expectation rests on, and what keeping it hidden is costing day to day.
What to check first
It helps to look at what the expectation rests on: things the parents have said or done, how they have treated other gay people, or a dread with nothing specific behind it. Whether the person depends on them for a home or money matters too, since that changes what is at stake. Research by Legate and colleagues found that coming out was linked to better well-being mainly where people felt accepted.
What could be going on
Concealment stress (hiding a sexual orientation): Fits if keeping it from them takes daily effort: watching what you say, editing stories, steering talk away.
Coming out (telling others one’s sexual orientation): Check what you know of how they treat the subject now, since how telling goes depends a lot on how accepting the setting is.
Gay-related rejection sensitivity (Pachankis): Fits if you expect the worst from them before they've said anything, and read small remarks as proof.
Internalized homophobia (internalized stigma): Could be part of it if some of the hesitation is your own discomfort with being gay, apart from what they might say.
Telling them apart
Concealment stress (hiding a sexual orientation): The effort may show in small ways all the time: changing pronouns in stories, keeping a partner out of photos, tensing when the subject comes near. Pachankis described how the threat of discovery keeps a hidden identity on the mind. The tiredness may come from the hiding as much as from the fear.
Coming out (telling others one’s sexual orientation): The hesitation may track the setting. The person may be out where it feels safe and silent where it doesn't, and in research that kind of reading the room is common. The parents' past words and actions may say more about what telling would bring than the dread does.
Gay-related rejection sensitivity (Pachankis): The worst reaction may feel certain even with little evidence for it. A neutral comment at dinner may land as a warning, and the person may brace for a rejection that hasn't come. Pachankis and colleagues found this kind of expectation was linked to earlier rejection by parents and to holding back with others.
Internalized homophobia (internalized stigma): Some of the hesitation may come from inside: a sense that being gay is something to apologize for, or that telling would make it too real. The person may imagine the parents' disgust in words that are really their own. That private judgment may be louder than anything the parents have said.
Questions to carry
- The last time I nearly told them, what stopped me right then?
- What do I believe would change about me in their eyes once they knew?
Also said as
- how do i come out to my parents
- scared to tell my parents i'm gay
- i'm 30 and my parents still don't know i'm gay
- can't come out to my mom
- my dad doesn't know i'm gay
- i'm a lesbian and my family doesn't know