“I went through conversion therapy and I still hear it in my head”
People who went through efforts to change their orientation or gender identity often say the lessons keep playing long after they left: a counselor's warning, a prayer, a rule about thoughts. The voice may come up during sex, in church, or in front of the mirror. The American Psychological Association's 2009 task force reviewed 83 studies and found these efforts were unlikely to change sexual orientation, and that no sound studies had measured their harms. A 2020 US survey by Blosnich and colleagues linked them with higher odds of suicidal thoughts and attempts, and a 2022 reanalysis by Sullins disputed that, arguing much of the suicidality came first, a reading the original authors rejected. What matters most is what the voice says, how often it comes, and what it pulls the person toward.
What to check first
It helps to notice when the voice comes and what it says, word for word, since it often repeats exact phrases from the program. Whether the person still has contact with the group or the people who ran it matters too. If the voice comes with thoughts of not wanting to be alive, that calls for talking to someone today.
What could be going on
Conversion therapy (sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts): Fits if the voice repeats what you were taught there, word for word, years later.
Internalized homophobia (internalized stigma): Check whether the program's view of you has become your own, even where you disagree with it.
Shame: Fits if the main feeling is that something in you is bad, more than that you did something wrong.
Trauma (big T and small t): Could be this if memories of the program bring a jolt of fear, nightmares or a wish to avoid anything that reminds you of it.
Telling them apart
Conversion therapy (sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts): The voice may repeat what was taught, in the program's own words: that attraction is a wound, a sin or something to resist. The person may still follow its rules about thoughts, touch or friendships. Contact with the group may keep it fresh.
Internalized homophobia (internalized stigma): The program's view may have moved inside, so the judgment now sounds like the person's own. They may disagree with it and still feel it. It may show as disgust after intimacy or distance from other LGBTQ+ people.
Shame: The main feeling may be that something in the person is bad or broken, more than that they did something wrong. Shame tends to make people hide and pull away. It may flare in moments of closeness.
Trauma (big T and small t): Memories of the program may bring a racing heart, nightmares or a need to avoid churches, therapists or certain songs. Some programs used isolation, humiliation or aversive methods, and the body may still react. The reaction may be stronger than the person expects for something long past.
Questions to carry
- The last time I heard it, what were the exact words and what had just happened?
- Whose voice is it, and what would I say back to that person now?
Also said as
- conversion therapy survivor
- ex-gay ministry still affects me
- i was sent to pray the gay away
- still hear my pastor's voice telling me i'm broken
- my parents made me go to therapy to become straight
- trauma from conversion therapy
If what was done to you still comes with thoughts of ending your life, please talk to someone today. In the US, call or text 988, and the Trevor Project talks with LGBTQ+ young people on 1-866-488-7386, or text START to 678-678. Trans Lifeline, for trans people, is on 877-565-8860. In the UK, Samaritans are on 116 123 and Switchboard LGBT+ is on 0800 0119 100. If it's happening now, call 911 or 999. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country.