“I hate the part of me that's attracted to men”
Some people feel attraction to the same sex and hate it: they try to pray it away, avoid certain friends, or feel disgust after a glance or a fantasy. The feeling may come from family, faith, culture or the schoolyard, and it may stay long after the person has left those places. A 2024 review of 31 studies by Nguyen and colleagues found this inner stigma tends to stay stable over time, and is predicted by outside stigma and discrimination and by concealment. Most of the programs it reviewed did not reduce it, though three studies with young people did. What matters most is where the hatred comes from and what it costs.
What to check first
It helps to notice whether the hatred has led to self-harm, heavy drinking, risky sex or thoughts of not wanting to live, since those call for talking to someone soon. It also helps to check whether the thoughts feel like the person's own attraction, or like unwanted intrusions they keep testing.
What could be going on
Internalized homophobia (internalized stigma): Fits if the disgust echoes things you grew up hearing about gay people.
Shame: Check whether the feeling is that you yourself are bad, more than that the attraction is a problem to solve.
Conflict between faith and sexual orientation or gender identity: Fits if the hatred is tied to what your faith teaches, and to fear of losing God or your community.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): Could be this if the thoughts feel like unwanted intrusions you test and check, with little real pull behind them.
Telling them apart
Internalized homophobia (internalized stigma): The disgust may echo words heard growing up: jokes, sermons, a parent's look. The person may hold accepting views about others and still turn the judgment on themselves. Meyer counted this inner stigma among the stresses of being a sexual minority.
Shame: The feeling may be that the person is dirty or bad at the core, more than that one desire is unwanted. Shame tends to push toward hiding and away from others. It may flare after any intimacy.
Conflict between faith and sexual orientation or gender identity: The hatred may be bound up with faith: fear of sin, of God's rejection, of losing a community and family. Prayer to change may have become a daily ritual. The conflict may feel like a choice between two lives.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD): The thoughts may feel unwanted and alien, and come with checking: testing reactions to people, seeking reassurance, replaying moments. Clinicians see OCD that fixes on sexual orientation, where the fear itself drives the checking. People with it often describe little real pull toward the attraction they fear.
Questions to carry
- The last time I felt it, what had I just seen or thought?
- Whose words do I hear when I tell myself it's wrong?
Also said as
- i don't want to be gay
- i hate being gay
- how do i stop being attracted to men
- disgusted with myself for liking guys
- i wish i was straight
- i'm a guy and i hate that i like men
Hating part of yourself can get very heavy. If it comes with thoughts of hurting yourself or ending your life, please talk to someone today. In the US, call or text 988, and the Trevor Project talks with LGBTQ+ young people on 1-866-488-7386, or text START to 678-678. In the UK, Samaritans are on 116 123 and Switchboard LGBT+ is on 0800 0119 100. If it's happening now, call 911 or 999. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country.