“I want to date again but I don't know how with the kids”
A single parent may want company, touch or a partner again and not see where it could fit: evenings are full, a sitter costs money, and the kids may have their own feelings about it. Some parents also worry about who they bring home, and when. In a 2005 review, Paul Amato noted that some studies link the number of household changes children go through, such as moves and new partners, to more emotional and behavior problems. What matters most is what is holding the wish back: time, guilt, fear of being turned down, or worry for the kids.
What to check first
It helps to name what is actually stopping it: the hours, the money, the guilt or worry about the children. It also helps to notice how long the wish has been there, and whether it is about one person, about company in general, or about feeling like an adult again.
What could be going on
Time poverty: Fits if the barrier is the hours: every evening is spoken for, and a sitter costs more than the date.
Parental guilt (‘mom guilt’): Check whether wanting something for yourself feels like taking it from the kids.
Self-sacrifice schema: Could be a longer habit of putting everyone else first, so your own wants barely get a turn.
Loneliness (Cacioppo, Holt-Lunstad): Fits if under the wish to date is a deeper hunger for adult closeness that has been missing a long time.
Telling them apart
Time poverty: The wish may be there and the hours missing: work, pickup, dinner, bedtime, then sleep. A date may need a sitter, a swap, or a weekend when the kids are with the other parent.
Parental guilt (‘mom guilt’): Wanting time for an adult life may feel like taking something from the children. The guilt may be strongest after a split, as if the parent has already asked enough of the kids.
Self-sacrifice schema: The habit of putting others first may be older than the kids, and may have shaped past relationships too. It may be easier to plan for everyone else than to say what one wants.
Loneliness (Cacioppo, Holt-Lunstad): Under the wish to date may be a long hunger for adult closeness and touch. Friends and company may ease part of it, and the wish for a partner may still be there.
Questions to carry
- The last time I thought about dating, what stopped the thought?
- What do I want from a partner now that I didn't know I wanted before?
Also said as
- dating as a single mom
- how to date with kids at home
- no time to date as a single parent
- when to introduce a new partner to my kids
- guilty about wanting a relationship
- single dad dating again
Close to this
Situations that share these patterns.