“I keep waiting for people to reject me even when they don't”
Someone who has been rejected for being gay, bi or trans may go on expecting it long after the people around them have shown they don't mind. A friend's slow reply reads as distance, a parent's pause as disapproval. Pachankis and colleagues described gay-related rejection sensitivity in 2008, and found it linked to earlier rejection by parents and to holding back with others. Meyer's minority stress model counts expecting rejection as one of the stresses that come from living with stigma. What matters most is whether the bracing fits the people in the room now, or belongs to earlier ones.
What to check first
It helps to check what the people around the person now have actually done. Where there's been a real slight, the caution may be fair. Where there's been nothing, the expectation may be running on memory, and it often began somewhere specific, like a family or a school.
What could be going on
Gay-related rejection sensitivity (Pachankis): Fits if the bracing is about being gay or queer in particular, and grew out of times you were rejected for it.
Rejection sensitivity: Check whether you expect rejection across the board, about looks, work or anything else.
Minority stress (Meyer): Fits if the waiting is one part of a wider load of past slights and present caution.
Hypervigilance: Fits if your body stays on alert, scanning faces and tone, even with people who've been kind.
Telling them apart
Gay-related rejection sensitivity (Pachankis): The bracing may center on being gay or queer: waiting for the comment, the drop in warmth, the invitation that doesn't come. It may be strongest with straight people, family or in religious settings. Pachankis found it linked to rejection by parents earlier in life.
Rejection sensitivity: The person may expect rejection everywhere, about work, looks or friendship, with sexuality only one of the triggers. Downey's research found people high in rejection sensitivity read unclear cues as rejection and react strongly. It may predate coming out.
Minority stress (Meyer): The waiting may sit alongside other weight: past slurs, news stories, checking whether a place is safe. Meyer described how these add up over years. The person may feel tired without a single cause.
Hypervigilance: The body may stay on alert, scanning faces, tone and pauses for danger, even with kind people. Sleep and focus may suffer. It may ease slowly with people who stay steady over time.
Questions to carry
- The last time I was sure someone would turn on me, what did I see or hear that set it off?
- Who in my life has stayed, and what do I tell myself about why?
Also said as
- always expecting people to reject me because i'm gay
- i assume people secretly don't accept me
- even with accepting friends i wait for them to turn
- can't relax around straight people
- i brace for rejection all the time
- waiting for the other shoe to drop with my family