“I don't feel bonded with my baby”
Some parents look at their newborn and feel love at once. Many others feel tired, numb or like they are looking after a stranger, and then feel ashamed of it. For a lot of parents the bond grows over weeks or months of ordinary care. What matters most is the parent's mood overall, how the birth went, and whether something such as fear or scary thoughts is keeping the parent at a distance.
What to check first
It helps to check how old the baby is and how much sleep the parent is getting, since a slow start in the first weeks is common. If low mood, anxiety or numbness have lasted more than two weeks, a doctor, midwife or nurse can check for postpartum depression, which is common and treatable. A hard or frightening birth is worth mentioning too.
What could be going on
Postpartum depression (perinatal depression): Fits if the flatness toward the baby comes with low mood, tears, poor sleep even when the baby sleeps, or feeling useless. Fathers and partners can have it too.
Birth trauma (childbirth-related PTSD): Check whether the birth felt frightening or out of control, and whether being with the baby brings back moments from it.
Intrusive thoughts of harm to the baby (perinatal OCD): Could be that unwanted thoughts of harm make you keep your distance from the baby to protect them.
Emotional numbing: Fits if you feel little about anything right now, the baby included, as if feelings are behind glass.
Intensive mothering and intensive parenting (Hays): Check whether you expected instant, overwhelming love, and the gap between that picture and now is what hurts most.
Good-enough parenting (Winnicott): Fits if you are feeding, holding and caring for the baby day after day, and the feeling hasn't yet caught up with the doing.
Telling them apart
Postpartum depression (perinatal depression): The distance from the baby may come with a wider low: crying, feeling worthless, no appetite, lying awake while the baby sleeps. Fathers and partners can have it too. It may last past the first two weeks, when ordinary baby blues tend to lift.
Birth trauma (childbirth-related PTSD): If the birth was frightening, holding the baby may bring back sounds, images or the feeling of being in danger. The parent may avoid the baby without meaning to, or feel numb near them. Nightmares and a racing heart at reminders tend to go with it.
Intrusive thoughts of harm to the baby (perinatal OCD): Unwanted images of the baby being hurt may lead a parent to avoid bathing, holding or being alone with them. From outside it can look like a missing bond, while inside the parent may be afraid of causing harm. These thoughts are common, and they horrify the parent who has them.
Emotional numbing: The parent may feel little about anything right now, the baby included. Food, music and friends may feel flat in the same way. Numbness often goes with exhaustion, stress or depression, and may lift as they ease.
Intensive mothering and intensive parenting (Hays): The parent may have expected a flood of love in the first moment, the way films and other parents describe it. When it doesn't come, the gap may feel like proof of being a bad parent. The bond itself may be growing slower and steadier than the picture allowed for.
Good-enough parenting (Winnicott): The parent may be feeding, changing and soothing the baby every day while feeling little. Winnicott's idea of good-enough care rests on that ordinary looking after, done well enough over time. For many parents the feeling follows the doing, sometimes months later.
Questions to carry
- In the last day, when did I feel even a little closer to my baby, and what was happening?
- What did I expect to feel by now, and where did that picture come from?
Also said as
- i don't love my baby yet
- no bond with my newborn
- i feel nothing for my baby
- when will i feel connected to my baby
- dad doesn't feel bonded with baby
- i feel like i'm babysitting someone else's child
A slow bond is common, and it can also be one sign of postpartum depression, which is treatable. If there are thoughts of harming the baby or yourself, or of the baby being better off without you, please talk to someone today. In the US, the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is 1-833-852-6262, call or text, any time. Postpartum Support International's HelpLine, 1-800-944-4773, can connect parents with local support. For thoughts of suicide, call or text 988. In the UK, Samaritans are on 116 123. If it's happening now, call 911 or 999. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country.