“Grief hits me out of nowhere in the supermarket”
Months or years after a death, a wave can hit in the most ordinary place: the cookie aisle, a song in a café, a stranger wearing the same coat. The tears come before the person has worked out why. Afterwards there may be embarrassment and a worry that they are going backwards. What matters most is whether the waves are spacing out over time, what they come with, and whether fear of them is starting to shrink daily life.
What to check first
It helps to check what was nearby just before the wave: a product, a smell, a date, a song. Many cues work below notice and only make sense afterwards. If the waves come with chest pain, breathlessness or fainting, a doctor is worth seeing to rule out a physical cause.
What could be going on
Grief bursts and STUG reactions (Rando): Fits if a cue linked to the person sets off a sudden wave that passes in minutes.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): Could be ordinary grief in waves. Check whether the waves are slowly spacing out.
Triggers: Check whether the same cues set it off each time, and whether the reaction feels bigger than the moment.
Experiential avoidance: Fits if you have started avoiding shops, songs or roads in case it happens again.
Panic: Check whether it comes with a racing heart and fear of collapsing, in places with no link to the person.
Traumatic grief after a sudden or violent death: Fits if the death was sudden and the wave brings images of how it happened.
Telling them apart
Grief bursts and STUG reactions (Rando): The wave comes suddenly, set off by a cue linked to the person, and passes within minutes. Bursts like these can happen years after the death, alongside a life that otherwise works. They tend to space out over time without vanishing completely.
Grief (complicated, disenfranchised, anticipatory): The waves may be part of ordinary grief, which tends to come and go more than it stays. Between them, the person may get on with the day. Early on the waves come close together, and later they come further apart.
Triggers: The cue may set off a reaction stronger than the moment seems to call for, with the body reacting before the mind catches up. The same cue tends to work again and again. The person may learn to spot what sets it off.
Experiential avoidance: After a few waves, the person may start avoiding the shop, the radio or certain roads. The avoidance spreads and life gets smaller. Each wave then feels more frightening because it is met so rarely.
Panic: The wave may come with a racing heart, breathlessness and a fear of collapsing or losing control, peaking within minutes. Panic can start after a loss and spread to places with no link to the person. Fear of the next attack may follow.
Traumatic grief after a sudden or violent death: If the death was sudden or violent, the cue may bring images of how it happened along with the sadness. The reaction is closer to fear than to longing. Hospitals, sirens or news reports may set it off.
Questions to carry
- Just before the last wave, what had I seen, heard or smelled?
- What do I tell myself about my grief once the wave has passed?
Also said as
- burst into tears in tesco
- random waves of grief years later
- a song came on and i fell apart
- grief attack in public
- suddenly crying over my mom in the shop
- saw her favorite cookies and lost it