Checks the room before holding a partner's hand
Walking out of the restaurant, he looks up and down the street before he takes his partner's hand. On the train he lets go when a group of young men gets on, and only picks it up again after they leave.
Rule out first
A place where it is in fact unsafe or against the law. A person who doesn't like touch in public with anyone. A partner who is the one uneasy, and he is checking for them.
What could explain it
Minority stress (Meyer): He has been shouted at, followed or hit before, or someone close to him was. The checking began after that.
Gay-related rejection sensitivity (Pachankis): Nothing has happened to him, and he still expects it. He reads a stranger's glance as a threat and feels it in his chest.
Hypervigilance: He scans every room for many reasons: exits, loud people, his bag. Holding hands is one more thing the watching covers.
Gender minority stress and resilience (Testa): One of them is trans or doesn't fit what people expect a man or woman to look like. The checking is about being looked at twice, with or without the hand.
Internalized homophobia (internalized stigma): Even on a safe street in a gay neighborhood he feels a flush of embarrassment, as if two men holding hands were a little wrong.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): After an attack he has nightmares, startles at shouts and avoids the street where it happened. The checking is part of a wider fear.
A next move
Ask what the checking is for. A past attack points to minority stress, and nightmares and startling past that point to PTSD. Expecting harm with nothing behind it points to rejection sensitivity. Watching for many things points to hypervigilance. Being looked at for gender points to gender minority stress. Embarrassment on a safe street points to internalized stigma.
If it’s you
Where do I check the room before I am myself, and what am I watching for?