“Our daughter died and I'm scared our marriage won't survive it”

What to check first

It helps to check what has changed in the marriage since she died and what was strained before. Exhaustion, the other children, money and either partner's drinking can all add weight. It also helps to notice whether the fear is about something happening now, such as talk stopping or blame, or about the story that bereaved couples split.

What could be going on

When a child dies: bereaved parents: Fits if the fear rests on what you've heard about bereaved couples. Check what the evidence shows.

Intuitive and instrumental grieving (Martin and Doka): Check whether the distance comes from grieving in different ways, one through talk and one through doing.

Bereavement guilt and regret (Li and Stroebe): Fits if blame, of yourself or of each other, sits under the arguments and goes unspoken.

Secondary losses: Could be that the marriage as it was is one more loss: sex, plans, easy evenings, the family you were.

Telling them apart

When a child dies: bereaved parents: A child's death puts both parents under heavy strain at the same time, so neither has much left to give the other. Studies find a raised rate of separation, far below the figures often quoted. The fear may be sized by the myth more than by the marriage.

Intuitive and instrumental grieving (Martin and Doka): One partner may grieve through tears and talk, the other through work, fixing and silence. Each may read the other as cold or as falling apart. The gap may lie in how the grief moves, with both grieving hard.

Bereavement guilt and regret (Li and Stroebe): Blame may sit under the arguments: who was driving, who missed a sign, who agreed to a treatment. Sometimes it comes out in a fight, and often it is never said. Distance can be a way to keep from saying it.

Secondary losses: The marriage itself may have changed: no sex, no shared plans, no ease in the evenings. Mourning that on top of the death can feel disloyal. The fear of divorce may be partly grief for the marriage as it was.

Also said as

• do most couples divorce after a child dies
• scared we'll split up after losing our son
• my marriage is falling apart since our baby died
• divorce rate after death of a child
• we barely talk since our daughter died
• will losing a child end my marriage

Related situations

• “My wife and I grieve so differently since our son died”
• “People don't understand how much I miss my dog”
• “We had a miscarriage and nobody talks about it”
• “People stopped saying my son's name”
• “My grown son died and everyone checks on his wife and kids but nobody checks on me”