“I think I might be bi but I don't feel allowed to say it”
Someone may notice attraction to more than one gender and still feel the word 'bisexual' isn't theirs to claim. They may be in a relationship that looks straight, have dated only one gender, or have heard bi people called confused or greedy. More than half of LGBTQ+ adults in the US, 56 percent in Gallup's 2024 figures, identify as bisexual. Yet in Pew's 2013 survey only 28 percent of bisexual people said most or all of the important people in their lives knew, against 77 percent of gay men and 71 percent of lesbians. What matters most is where the sense of not being allowed comes from, and what keeping it unsaid is doing.
What to check first
It helps to notice whose voice says it isn't allowed: a partner, friends, a community, a religion or a private rule. Some people feel they need proof, such as a past relationship, before they can use the word. It may also help to separate what the person feels from what they've done, since the two don't always line up.
What could be going on
Bisexual invisibility and binegativity: Fits if you've heard that bi people are confused, greedy or secretly gay or straight, and it keeps you quiet.
Sexual fluidity (Diamond): Check whether your attractions have shifted over the years, as they do for some people.
Concealment stress (hiding a sexual orientation): Fits if keeping it to yourself takes effort, like steering talk or hiding who you notice.
Identity moratorium: Could be a stretch of trying the word on, where you're still exploring and haven't settled on a label.
Telling them apart
Bisexual invisibility and binegativity: The silence may come from what the person has heard: that bi people are going through a phase, can't be trusted or will pick a side. In many studies bisexual people report worse mental health than gay and lesbian people, and stigma of this kind is one explanation researchers give. Saying the word may feel like inviting a fight.
Sexual fluidity (Diamond): Attractions may have moved over time, toward a gender that wasn't there before or back again. Lisa Diamond's long-term studies of women found shifts like these were common. A change like this may make any label feel provisional.
Concealment stress (hiding a sexual orientation): The person may edit what they say about crushes, celebrities or past partners, and keep track of who knows what. Hiding something nobody can see takes steady attention, as Pachankis described. Some of the strain may come from that watching.
Identity moratorium: The person may be trying the word on, reading, talking to a few people and not yet sure. Marcia called this exploring stage a moratorium, with no commitment yet. It may feel unsettled and still be moving.
Questions to carry
- The last time I almost said it, who was I with and what did I picture them saying?
- What would I need to know about myself before the word feels mine to use?
Also said as
- am i bisexual or just confused
- i like men and women but i'm scared to say it
- feel like i'm not gay enough or straight enough
- bisexual but in a straight relationship so it doesn't count
- people say bi is just a phase
- i'm a guy and i think i'm bi