“I don't know what to say when people ask how many kids I have”
A new colleague, another parent at school pickup, a doctor's form: the question of how many children comes up all the time, and for a bereaved parent every answer can cost something. Naming the child who died may bring an awkward silence or more questions, and leaving them out can feel like a betrayal. Many parents answer differently depending on who asks and how they feel that day. Dennis Klass, who spent two decades with a self-help group for bereaved parents, described how parents keep a bond with a child that goes on after the death (The Spiritual Lives of Bereaved Parents, 1999), and this question is one of the places that bond gets tested in public.
What to check first
It helps to notice who is asking and what the moment allows. A stranger in line and a new friend may call for different answers, and neither answer changes how many children the person had. Before reading it as a pattern, it helps to see whether the hardest part is the question itself or the reaction that follows.
What could be going on
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): Fits if leaving your child out of the answer feels like denying they were here.
When a child dies: bereaved parents: Could be one of the many ordinary moments where losing a child changes who you are to other people.
Grief bursts and STUG reactions (Rando): Check whether the question hits like a sudden wave, out of nowhere, in a place where you can't fall apart.
Grief after miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death: Fits if your child died before or soon after birth and few people ever met them.
Telling them apart
Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman): The child may still feel like part of the family: in photos, on birthdays, in how the parent counts. Leaving them out may feel like breaking the bond, and saying the name like keeping it. The answer may matter more to the parent than to the person asking.
When a child dies: bereaved parents: The question shows how a child's death changes a parent's place among other people. The parent may still feel a mother or father of two while the world sees one. Small social moments carry the loss for years.
Grief bursts and STUG reactions (Rando): The question may set off a sudden wave of grief, in a shop or at a party, with no warning. The person may freeze, tear up or change the subject fast. The wave tends to pass, and the dread of the next one may linger.
Grief after miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death: If the baby died before or soon after birth, few people may have met them, and the parent may wonder whether they count. Including the baby may bring a pause the parent then has to manage. The baby may be very real to the parent and invisible to everyone else.
Questions to carry
- The last time someone asked, what did I say, and what did I feel straight after?
- What answer would feel true to me, even if it changes with who is asking?
Also said as
- how many children do you have after losing one
- what to say when someone asks if i have kids
- do i count my son who died
- i said one child and felt like i betrayed my daughter
- dreading the how many kids question
- how to answer how many children after a stillbirth