“Did I make my son gay?”
Many parents ask this soon after a child comes out: was it the divorce, a distant father, a close mother, the toys or the school. Older theories blamed parents in just these ways. A 2016 review by J. Michael Bailey and colleagues found that the evidence doesn't support the idea that sexual orientation can be taught or learned through social means. A 2019 genetic study of 477,522 people by Ganna and colleagues found many genetic variants, each with a tiny effect, that together accounted for roughly 8 to 25 percent of the variation in same-sex behavior, with no single gene and no way to predict it in a person. What matters most is what the question is carrying for the parent: guilt, grief, fear, or a wish to understand.
What to check first
It helps to notice what is behind the question. A parent asking from guilt, from grief, from a faith that frames it as a fault, or from simple curiosity is asking different things. It also helps to check what the son has heard, since a child who hears 'what did I do wrong' may hear that something is wrong with him.
What could be going on
Where sexual orientation comes from (research on causes): Check what research has found on where orientation comes from, and what it found about parenting.
Parental guilt (‘mom guilt’): Fits if the question comes with guilt that keeps circling a few moments from his childhood.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: Could be part of a wider mix of shock, worry and love after he told you.
Personalisation: Fits if you tend to take responsibility for what happens to the people you love, whatever the cause.
Telling them apart
Where sexual orientation comes from (research on causes): The question may be a real wish to understand. Research points to a mix of genetic and early biological influences that no one fully understands, and has found no support for orientation being taught through upbringing. Twin and genetic studies show genes play some part without deciding it.
Parental guilt (‘mom guilt’): The question may keep circling a few memories: a divorce, a remark, a time the parent was away. The guilt may feel like responsibility. It may also be heavier because it has nowhere to go.
When a child comes out: how parents respond: The question may be one strand in a wider reaction: shock, worry, love and confusion after he told. Searching for a cause may be an early step for a parent. It may fade as the parent sees the child is the same person.
Personalisation: The parent may take responsibility for most things that happen to the people they love: a child's grades, a partner's mood. This question may be the same habit pointed at something with no fault in it. Beck described personalization as seeing oneself as the cause of outside events.
Questions to carry
- When the question comes, which moment from his childhood do I go back to?
- If I knew for certain it was nothing I did, what would I feel instead?
Also said as
- is it my fault my son is gay
- did my parenting cause my child to be gay
- what makes someone gay
- was it because his father wasn't around
- did i make my daughter a lesbian
- is being gay genetic