Liking
We say yes more readily to people we like. Liking is created by similarity, compliments, familiarity, cooperation towards shared goals, attractiveness and association with good things.
What drives it
Liking is a quick proxy for trustworthiness and shared interest, and it makes saying no feel like rejecting a friend.
How it shows
Work
How it is used: a salesperson who quickly finds that they also went to your university, also have kids the same age, also love sailing; constant compliments; 'we're on the same side here, against my manager'; Tupperware-style selling through friends. Mirroring of posture and phrasing. How to spot it: rapport that arrives unusually fast, similarities that are suspiciously convenient, and the shift in mood when a request arrives after the warmth.
Relationships
Early dating where similarities feel like fate. A new friend who quickly agrees with all your opinions. In families, the charming member who gets away with things the others cannot.
Self
You feel a warm glow and notice you are evaluating the person rather than the deal. Ask whether you would accept the same terms from someone you found irritating.
What tells it apart
Halo effect: The halo effect is a judgement error about a person's other traits; the liking principle is liking used to win a yes. Watch whether a request follows the warmth.
Love bombing: Love bombing is intense, fast idealisation used to bind a partner and is followed by control or withdrawal; the liking principle is ordinary rapport-building that is not necessarily followed by devaluation.
Reciprocity: Liking works through warmth; reciprocity through obligation. You comply with liking because you want to please, with reciprocity because you feel in debt.
A test
Separate the person from the request: imagine a stranger offering the same deal, and see whether your answer changes.
Questions to carry
- If a stranger offered the same deal, how would the answer change?
- Whom do I find it hardest to say no to because I like them, and what do I fear losing?
How strong the research is
moderate. Effects of similarity, familiarity, compliments and attractiveness on liking are well replicated, but how much liking then drives compliance varies a lot by setting.
Where it comes from
Robert Zajonc, 1968 (mere exposure); Donn Byrne, 1971 (similarity-attraction); Robert Cialdini, 1984 (Influence)