Reciprocity
The near-universal rule that we should repay what others give us. Because the obligation is felt even for gifts we did not ask for, it can be used to extract repayment far larger than the original favour.
What drives it
It makes cooperation possible between people who are not kin, and it protects us from being seen as takers. Its pull is strong enough that an uninvited favour creates a debt most people will pay to be rid of.
How it shows
Work
How it is used: the vendor who buys dinner and sends a gift before the contract renewal; the colleague who does you an unasked favour and then asks for your vote; the free audit or free sample; the negotiator who makes a show of conceding a point so you feel bound to concede one back. How to spot it: a favour you did not request, followed soon by a request; a concession that cost them little but is framed as a big sacrifice; your own sense of 'I can't really say no after that'.
Relationships
The relative whose help always comes with an invoice later ('after all I did for you'). The partner who gives gifts before raising something difficult. Healthy reciprocity is roughly balanced and unspoken; manipulative reciprocity is kept score of and cashed in.
Self
You feel an uncomfortable sense of owing someone, out of proportion to what they did, and find yourself agreeing faster than your judgement would. Ask whether you wanted what they gave.
What tells it apart
Liking: Liking makes you want to say yes to someone; reciprocity makes you feel you must, even if you dislike them. A disliked person who did you a favour still gets compliance.
Emotional blackmail (fear, obligation, guilt): Reciprocity pressure comes from a favour given; emotional blackmail uses threats of withdrawal, guilt or harm. Ask whether there is an implied punishment for not paying back.
Compliance techniques (foot in the door, door in the face, low-ball): Door-in-the-face is one technique built on reciprocity of concessions; the general norm operates with no staged sequence at all.
A test
Mentally redefine the favour as a sales tactic and ask whether you would still agree; if the urge to comply drops sharply, reciprocity was doing the persuading.
Questions to carry
- If the favour were a sales tactic, how much of the urge to say yes would remain?
- Which unasked-for favour left me feeling I owed someone, and what did I give back to be rid of it?
How strong the research is
strong
Where it comes from
Alvin Gouldner, 1960; Dennis Regan, 1971; Robert Cialdini, 1984 (Influence)
Sources
- Robert B. Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (1984)