Resentment
Lingering, re-chewed anger at a perceived injustice or slight, usually unexpressed to the person responsible.
What drives it
Keeps the score and preserves a sense of being right and wronged, which protects self-worth and can justify withdrawal; it also avoids the risk of direct confrontation.
How it shows
Work
Old grievances surface in unrelated meetings ('Like when they gave my project to Sam'); compliance without commitment; slow, minimal work for a particular boss; muttering after the meeting rather than in it.
Relationships
A list of old wrongs brought out in every fight; 'after everything I've done for you'; sarcasm and passive digs; withheld warmth that never quite becomes an argument.
Self
Rehearsing the case against someone in the shower; a hot, bitter feeling when their name comes up; reluctance to let it go because letting go would feel like letting them off.
What tells it apart
Contempt: Resentment still cares about the other's verdict and wants acknowledgement; contempt has written them off. The resentful person says 'how dare they'; the contemptuous one says 'what do you expect'.
Envy: Resentment points to something done to you; envy points to something the other has. Ask what the injustice was: if the answer is their success rather than an act, it is more likely envy.
Passive aggression: Resentment is the feeling; passive aggression is one way of acting it out. Some resentful people say nothing at all and only stew.
A test
Ask the person what would need to happen for them to let it go; resentment names an acknowledgement or apology that has not come.
Questions to carry
- Asked what would need to happen to let it go, which acknowledgement or apology does the person name?
- Which old slight do I still chew over, and what have I never said to the person?
How strong the research is
moderate. Resentment itself has few dedicated measures, but the closely related research on unforgiveness, grudges and revenge motivation is substantial.
Where it comes from
Friedrich Nietzsche, 1887 (ressentiment); Peter Strawson, 1962; Everett Worthington and Michael McCullough, 1990s (unforgiveness research)
On the family tree: Friedrich Nietzsche
Sources
- Baruch Spinoza, Ethics (1677)
- Axel Honneth, The Struggle for Recognition: The Moral Grammar of Social Conflicts (Kampf um Anerkennung) (1992)