Doer and done to (Benjamin)
When mutual recognition breaks down, the relationship becomes a seesaw: one of you must be the doer and the other the done-to, and each experiences the other as the one doing it. The way out is the 'third': a shared space both can step into, where each can own a part without simply submitting.
What drives it
It explains why two reasonable people can each feel sincerely victimised by the other, and why arguing about who started it never ends. The lever: acknowledging your own part, without collapsing, makes it possible for the other person to do the same.
How it shows
Work
Two senior people each tell you the other is the aggressor, and both accounts hold together. Every move one makes is read as an attack and answered as defence, which the other reads as attack: 'you went around me' / 'you'd have blocked it'. The founder and the new COO, sales and product, the CEO and the board: grievances that mirror each other. Mediation that rules on who's right only flips the seesaw. What helps is a third point both can orient to: a shared aim, an agreed principle, or one person saying 'here's what I did that made this worse'.
Relationships
Fights where both of you feel attacked and defend by attacking. 'You're controlling' / 'I have to be, you don't follow through.' Apologies that are demands ('I'm sorry you felt that'). Benjamin's point is that a real acknowledgement ('I did that, and I see what it did to you') isn't submission, and it's often what lets the other person lower their guard.
Self
You're certain you're only reacting, and your account of the fight starts with what they did. Being asked what you contributed feels like being asked to lose. The tell: there are only two positions in your head, win or give in.
What tells it apart
Drama triangle (persecutor, victim, rescuer): The triangle has three rotating roles and usually draws in a rescuer; doer and done-to is a two-person seesaw where both claim the victim position and see the other as persecutor at the same time.
DARVO: DARVO is a one-way move triggered by being held to account, and your acknowledging your part doesn't bring theirs; on the seesaw, a clean acknowledgement from one side usually brings one from the other.
Interpersonal complementarity: Complementarity is a moment-to-moment pull that shifts when you change your reply; the seesaw survives a changed reply, because each side reinterprets the other's new move as another attack.
A test
Name one specific thing you did that made it worse, without excuse and without asking for anything back; if the other person softens or names their own part, you were on the seesaw and the shared ground is the way off.
Questions to carry
- After one specific part was owned without excuse, what did the other person do next?
- In the argument where I feel most done-to, what did I do that made it worse?
How strong the research is
clinical. A relational-psychoanalytic concept built from clinical work and infant research on mutual regulation; widely used in practice but not directly tested.
Where it comes from
Jessica Benjamin, The Bonds of Love, 1988; 'Beyond doer and done to', Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 2004; Beyond Doer and Done To, 2018
Sources
- Jessica Benjamin, The Bonds of Love: Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem of Domination (1988)
- Jessica Benjamin, Beyond Doer and Done To: Recognition Theory, Intersubjectivity and the Third (2018)