Deactivating strategies
Ways of turning the attachment system down: suppressing need, diverting attention from threat and avoiding dependence, so as not to be rebuffed.
What drives it
Prevents rejection by never reaching. Distress is still generated but kept out of conscious view; physiological arousal can stay high while the person reports feeling nothing much.
How it shows
Work
"I'm fine, it's handled." Under stress works longer and talks less. Meets a colleague's distress with a solution or a referral to HR. Forgets personal details people shared. Reads emotional requests as weakness; remote work suits them a little too well.
Relationships
Thinks fondly of an ex while with the current partner; fixes on the partner's flaws as closeness grows; avoids "the talk"; keeps small secrets; won't say "I love you" first.
Self
Your mind goes blank when asked what you feel; when someone is upset with you there is an urge to leave, change the subject or pick up the phone.
What tells it apart
Expressive suppression: Suppression hides a felt emotion in the moment; deactivation works further upstream, so the person reports not feeling it and doesn't seek support at all.
Alexithymia: Alexithymic people struggle to name feelings in every area; deactivating people may talk well about feelings in films or politics and go blank about their own close relationships.
A test
Watch whether stress moves the person towards people or away from them, and whether they can recall specific moments of needing someone.
Questions to carry
- Under stress, which way does the person move, toward people or away, and what gets busy instead?
- Which specific moment can I recall of needing someone, and what did I do with the need?
How strong the research is
moderate. Supported by self-report, memory and physiological studies showing high arousal beneath reported calm; some priming effects have not been independently replicated.
Where it comes from
Mary Main, 1990; Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver, 2003 and 2007
On the family tree: Mary Main
Sources
- Mario Mikulincer and Phillip R. Shaver, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd edition) (2016)