Self-check

What is my conflict style?

Fifteen statements about how you handle disagreements, about 3 minutes. The result shows which of the five conflict modes your answers lean toward: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding or accommodating.

You can take this with someone. Invite them now, or send them your result when you finish.

Our own statements, written for this guide and untested. They follow the five modes that Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann described in the 1970s. Their own test, the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, is sold commercially, and this check is not it. Their model treats every mode as useful in some situations, so a mode that leads is neither good nor bad. Most people use several, and the mix can change between work and home.

Competing: Pressing for your own view, even at some cost to the relationship.
Collaborating: Working through both sets of concerns to find an answer that suits both.
Compromising: Meeting in the middle, each giving up part of what they wanted.
Avoiding: Putting the issue off or stepping around it, for now or for good.
Accommodating: Letting the other person's wishes win, to keep the peace or the bond.

Conflict modes (Thomas-Kilmann)

Take it together

You can take this with a partner, a friend, a sibling, a parent or a coworker. Invite them before you start, or send them your result when you finish. Whoever gets the other’s result sees both profiles together, with a short note on what the library’s research says and a question to carry.

An invite link holds only which self-check it is. A result link holds the scores and none of the answers, and anyone who has it can see the scores. Nothing in either link is sent to us or kept by us.

A result is your own answers on the day. It is not a type, a label or a diagnosis of either person.

Put this self-check on your website

Paste the code below into an HTML or custom code block on your own page or post. The self-check runs inside your page, with a link to this page under it. What a visitor answers stays in their browser, and nothing is sent to us.

In WordPress, add a Custom HTML block. In Squarespace, add a Code block. Most site builders have a block called HTML, Embed or Code.

The code to paste

<iframe src="https://consciousliv.com/psychology/check/conflict-style/embed" title="What is my conflict style?" width="100%" height="700" style="border:0;max-width:640px" loading="lazy"></iframe>
<p><a href="https://consciousliv.com/psychology/check/conflict-style">What is my conflict style?</a> (Self-check from Conscious Living's Psychology Library)</p>

Keep the link under the self-check. It credits where the self-check comes from and takes your readers to the full page.

Optional: let the self-check grow to fit

The self-check has a fixed height and scrolls inside its box. If your site allows scripts, add this once to the same page and the box will fit what is in it. Many site builders remove scripts, and the self-check works without it.

The resize script

<script>
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  var h = Number(e.data.height);
  if (!(h > 0)) return;
  var frames = document.getElementsByTagName("iframe");
  for (var i = 0; i < frames.length; i++) {
    if (frames[i].contentWindow === e.source) frames[i].style.height = Math.min(Math.ceil(h), 4000) + "px";
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});
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