Repair attempts
Any statement or action during or after conflict that stops negativity escalating: a joke, a touch, 'I'm getting defensive', 'Can we start again?'. What matters is less the elegance of the attempt than whether it is accepted.
What drives it
Repair lets two people fight without damaging the bond. For identifying what is going on in a couple or a team, the ability to make and accept repair, not the absence of conflict, marks the healthy ones.
How it shows
Work
After a sharp exchange in an exec meeting, the CFO says, 'That came out harder than I meant. Your point on churn is fair.' The test is the response: a nod and a return to substance is acceptance; 'Bit late for that' is refusal. A leader who never repairs after losing his temper teaches people to stay quiet.
Relationships
Mid-row, one partner laughs at how absurd the fight has become, or reaches out a hand. In a strong relationship this lands; under negative sentiment override the same move is read as dismissive ('Don't you dare make a joke of this').
Self
Notice whether you can say 'I was wrong about that part' while still angry, and whether you can take the other's olive branch without one last shot.
What tells it apart
Hoovering: Hoovering pulls someone back after they have left and skips the injury; repair addresses the specific rupture inside an ongoing relationship.
Rupture and repair: Rupture and repair is the developmental and therapeutic model of bonds strengthened by breaks that are mended; repair attempts are the specific in-conflict moves Gottman coded.
Negative sentiment override: When reasonable repairs keep failing, look at the override, not at the quality of the repair.
A test
Make a small, sincere repair in the next tense moment and watch whether the other person can take it.
Questions to carry
- In the last tense moment, what small move toward making up was offered, and what happened to it?
- What makes it hard for me to accept a joke or a touch when I am still angry?
How strong the research is
moderate. Repair success predicts stability in Gottman's observational work; independent replication is thinner and the effect may partly reflect overall relationship quality.
Where it comes from
John Gottman, 1999 (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, with Nan Silver)
On the family tree: John Gottman