Bids for connection
Small attempts to get another person's attention, interest or support, often disguised as trivial remarks ('Look at that boat'). The other person can turn toward, turn away (ignore) or turn against (snap).
What drives it
Bids test and maintain connection at low risk, and how they are met adds up to trust. For identification, the habit of turning toward or away tells you more about a relationship than its big moments.
How it shows
Work
'Did you see the numbers from Asia?' to a boss who keeps typing. A junior who drops by with a 'quick question' that is really a request for recognition. A co-founder forwarding an article with 'thought of you'. Leaders who habitually turn away become people others stop bringing things to.
Relationships
A partner sighs loudly, mentions a headache, points at a bird, reads out a headline. Turning toward can be minimal ('Oh? What's up?'). Repeated turning away is quiet, and partners often notice only when the bids stop coming.
Self
Notice your irritation at being interrupted and whether you answer the content or the person. Notice your own bids too: hints you expect to be read and the hurt when they aren't.
What tells it apart
Protest behaviour: Bids are low-key and easily missed; protest behaviour is an escalated bid after repeated misses: sulking, threats, keeping score.
Attunement: Attunement is the capacity to read and match someone's state; answering bids is one visible test of it. You can turn toward a bid mechanically without being attuned.
A test
Track the next ten small remarks someone makes to a partner or colleague and count how many get any real response.
Questions to carry
- Of the last ten small remarks made to a partner or colleague, how many got any real response?
- Which small remark of mine went unanswered recently, and what did I do with the feeling?
How strong the research is
moderate. Based on observational studies of couples in Gottman's lab; the link between turning toward and relationship outcomes is robust there but comes largely from one group's samples.
Where it comes from
John Gottman, 1990s; Gottman and Joan DeClaire, 2001 (The Relationship Cure)
On the family tree: John Gottman
Sources
- Harry T. Reis and Phillip Shaver, Intimacy as an Interpersonal Process (1988)
- John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999)