Masochistic (self-defeating) character
A character style in which the person repeatedly suffers in ways that seem self-inflicted, secures love or moral standing through suffering, and undermines their own success. McWilliams stresses moral, not sexual, masochism, and places the style at healthy (self-sacrificing in service of ideals), neurotic (chronic martyrdom) and borderline levels (provoking mistreatment, self-destructiveness).
What drives it
Suffering earns attachment ('if I suffer, I will be cared for'), relieves guilt by self-punishment and expresses hostility indirectly, by making others feel guilty. Success can feel dangerous because it threatens these bonds.
How it shows
Work
Takes on the worst tasks then complains, sabotages promotions at the last minute, presents as overworked and underappreciated, provokes criticism from managers, turns down help, recounts suffering in detail. Colleagues feel guilty, then irritated. Phrases: 'Don't worry about me', 'It's always me who ends up doing it'.
Relationships
Chooses partners who disappoint or mistreat them, stays, invites pity, makes the partner feel guilty, refuses help offered, becomes anxious when things go well.
Self
A feeling of being righteous in suffering, anxiety or guilt when things go well, and an urge to tell others about your troubles in a way that invites concern.
What tells it apart
Depressive character: Depressive characters blame themselves and hide suffering; masochistic characters display suffering and implicitly blame others. Watch whether you feel compassion (depressive) or guilt and irritation (masochistic).
Self-sacrifice schema: Self-sacrifice schema is about meeting others' needs out of guilt or empathy; masochistic character adds the display of suffering and the covert hostility it carries.
Passive aggression: Passive aggression is indirect hostility through delay or omission; masochism expresses hostility through one's own suffering. Often they co-occur.
A test
Offer concrete help with a complaint and watch whether it is accepted or deflected with 'it won't make a difference'. From outside you can name the pattern; a diagnosis needs a clinician, a full history and evidence of impairment across settings.
Questions to carry
- Offered concrete help with the complaint, how is the offer received?
- When things start going well for me, what do I tend to do next?
How strong the research is
clinical. Self-defeating personality disorder appeared in the DSM-III-R appendix (1987) and was dropped in DSM-IV over concern that it blamed victims; the pattern remains a mainstay of psychoanalytic diagnosis but has little controlled research.
Where it comes from
Sigmund Freud, 1924 ('The Economic Problem of Masochism'); Wilhelm Reich, 1933; Theodor Reik, 1941; Nancy McWilliams, Psychoanalytic Diagnosis, 1994 and 2011
On the family tree: Sigmund Freud
Sources
- Jessica Benjamin, The Bonds of Love: Psychoanalysis, Feminism, and the Problem of Domination (1988)