Situation · Partners and dating
“She says she loves me but treats me badly”
What could be going on
Intermittent reinforcement: The mix of love and cruelty can bond you tighter; check whether you live for the good moments.
Trauma bonding: Fits if you feel more attached despite being hurt, and leaving feels impossible.
Contempt: Check for mockery, insults and eye-rolls; contempt is especially damaging.
Charming at first, then contemptuous: Fits if they started charming and have become increasingly contemptuous.
Splitting: Check whether they see you as all good, then all bad, with no middle.
Ambivalence: They may genuinely feel both love and resentment and not handle it well.
Questions to carry
- After she last treated me badly, what came next, and how long until she said she loved me?
- Which do I believe more in the moment, her words or how I feel around her?
Also said as
- he tells me he loves me then says awful things
- my partner is cruel but swears she cares
- why does he say I love you and then treat me like dirt
- my boyfriend says he loves me but is mean to me
- she says she cares but treats me like nothing
- why does my husband claim to love me and still hurt me