Situation · Partners and dating
“He's so hot and cold with me”
What could be going on
Intermittent reinforcement: Unpredictable warmth hooks you harder than steady warmth; check whether waiting for the good days keeps you stuck.
Fearful-avoidant attachment: Fits if he wants closeness, then panics in it; warmth and retreat follow each other.
Goes cold after closeness: Check whether the cold spells come right after your best, most intimate times together.
Ambivalence: He may genuinely feel two ways about the relationship; check for hesitation in plans or commitment.
Mood swings day to day: Could be his moods shifting generally, not about you; check whether he's like this with everyone.
Stress response and allostatic load: Stress, work or tiredness can drain warmth for a while; check whether cold spells track pressure in his life.
Questions to carry
- Right before he last went cold, what had happened between us in the days before?
- When he turns warm again after a cold spell, which questions do I stop asking?
Also said as
- one day he's all over me, the next he barely replies
- my girlfriend is warm one week and distant the next and I never know why
- why is he affectionate then suddenly cold
- mixed signals from the guy I'm seeing
- they blow hot and cold and it's driving me mad
- inconsistent boyfriend, loving then distant