Situation · Partners and dating
“He turns everything around on me”
What could be going on
DARVO: Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender; check whether you end up comforting him for your complaint.
Turns it around when confronted: Check whether every confrontation becomes a conversation about your faults instead.
Projection: He may push his own faults onto you; check whether his accusations mirror what you raised.
Always the victim: Fits if he casts himself as the wronged one across many relationships, not just with you.
Shame: Being confronted may trigger unbearable shame, so he attacks; check whether he can own it later when calm.
Questions to carry
- The last time I raised something he did, at what point did the talk turn to me?
- By the end of those talks, what am I apologising for that I never meant to raise?
Also said as
- whenever I bring something up it somehow ends up being my fault
- I try to tell her she hurt me and then I'm the one apologising
- why does my partner flip it back on me every time
- he makes himself the victim when I confront him
- he flips every argument back on me
- my wife twists things so I'm the one to blame