Altruism (as a defence)
Mature defence; high adaptive level on the DSM-IV scale. The person deals with their own distress or need by meeting the same need in others and gets real satisfaction from it. Anna Freud's altruistic surrender, living one's own wishes through others, is its less healthy cousin.
What drives it
Turns pain into usefulness: helping others with what hurt you brings meaning, connection and some vicarious relief.
How it shows
Work
The executive who was overlooked early on and now sponsors overlooked juniors, with clear limits and pleasure in their success. Volunteering for the crisis team after a personal loss. Helpers who can take thanks and can also say no.
Relationships
Generous with care and able to receive it. Contrast compulsive caretaking: helping that needs the other to stay needy, or giving that turns into resentment.
Self
Helping leaves you fuller, not drained, and you can stop when you need to. If you feel used, resentful or anxious when not helping, it isn't mature altruism.
What tells it apart
Codependency: Codependent helping needs the other to stay in need and leaves the helper resentful; mature altruism wants the other to outgrow the help and leaves the helper satisfied.
Self-sacrifice schema: The self-sacrifice schema gives out of guilt and can't stop; defensive altruism is chosen, bounded and can be put down.
People-pleasing: People-pleasing aims to avoid disapproval and tracks the other's mood; altruism aims at the other's good even if they are displeased.
A test
Notice how the person handles being thanked, being declined, and the helped person becoming independent; ease with all three means mature altruism.
Questions to carry
- When thanked, declined, or no longer needed by the person helped, how does the helper respond?
- Which hurt of my own do I tend in other people?
How strong the research is
clinical. Linked to good adult outcomes in Vaillant's studies; research on helping and wellbeing supports benefits but doesn't separate defensive from ordinary altruism.
Where it comes from
Anna Freud (altruistic surrender), 1936; George Vaillant, 1977
On the family tree: Anna Freud
Sources
- Anna Freud, The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence (1936)