Situation · Partners and dating
“We break up and get back together over and over”
What could be going on
Idealise-devalue-discard cycle: Fits if each cycle goes from idealising to devaluing to leaving.
Fearful-avoidant attachment: Fits if closeness brings fear and distance brings longing, for one or both.
Trauma bonding: Check whether hurt and reunion make the bond feel stronger each time.
Hoovering: Check who pulls who back and how; promises, crises or sudden warmth.
Ambivalence: Both may genuinely feel torn and keep acting on whichever side is louder.
Borderline personality: Fits only if intense fear of abandonment comes with unstable moods and identity.
Questions to carry
- Which reason was given for the last breakup, and what happened to it when we got back together?
- In the days after each breakup, what do I miss first?
Also said as
- on again off again relationship
- we've split up ten times
- she leaves and comes back every few months
- why do we keep breaking up and making up
- we keep breaking up and getting back together
- my boyfriend and I can't stay broken up