Situation · Work
“My coworker gets defensive whenever I give feedback”
What could be going on
Overreacts to mild criticism: Fits exactly; check whether even mild, private comments set it off.
Narcissistic injury: Fits if feedback seems to puncture their self-image and they fight to restore it.
Shame: Fits if they hear that they are bad rather than that something needs fixing.
Anger as a secondary emotion: The defensiveness may cover hurt or fear; check what they feel underneath.
Psychological safety: Fits if mistakes are punished there, so feedback feels dangerous.
Conditions of worth (Rogers): Fits if they learned early that love depended on getting it right.
Questions to carry
- The last time I gave feedback, what did my coworker hear first, the point or what it said about them?
- Before I give feedback now, how do I change my words, and what am I bracing for?
Also said as
- she takes every comment as a personal attack
- he argues back every time I say anything
- how do I give feedback to someone so defensive
- my report can't take any criticism
- colleague can't handle feedback
- my employee reacts badly to criticism